


When it all comes down

by UselessLesbianLaughter



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, But writing this is going to make me mentally unstable, Don't worry, F/F, Holtzbert - Freeform, Tragedy, the ending is happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-12-14
Packaged: 2018-08-19 17:58:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 26,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8219965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UselessLesbianLaughter/pseuds/UselessLesbianLaughter
Summary: Abby put down her phone and looked at Holtzmann who was grinning widely, her eyes wider then usual and lips pressed together. The blonde's smile dropped and she lifted an eyebrow."It's Erin."Or Erin falls into a coma and Holtzmann doesn't handle it well (read: She fucking falls apart into small pieces, shattered on the ground)





	1. When the sky crashes down

**Author's Note:**

> I am writing this from my grave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, my beloved nerd army, welcome to this angst filled piece of Holtzbert.  
> Don't worry, I promise a happy ending but it's going to be one hell of a rocky ride there (American idioms confuse me a tad so I hope that makes sense)  
> I'm promising to do my very best with this work and yeah, we'll see how long this is going to be...  
> As always, comments, kudos, especially comments warm my soul and my soul is like me, cold most of the time, that reminds me, I should get another blanket.  
> Also, this is inspired and by inspired I seriously mean inspired and 0% copied. I believe it was a Tiva fic, will link if I find it again, it was a good damn fic but I cannot stress this enough, this one is very different, I just got some basic ideas from that piece and as Salvador Dali has said "Those who do not want to imitate anything produce nothing."
> 
> Kaykay, enjoy my loves! *lesbian salutes and moonwalks away*

Abby put down her phone and looked at Holtzmann who was grinning widely, her eyes wider then usual and lips pressed together. The blonde’s smile dropped and she lifted an eyebrow.  
"It’s Erin."  
Jillian’s stomach dropped and she took a ragged breath. Abby swallowed.

"She’s in the hospital." It was a failed attempt to keep her voice calm. Jillian’s vision felt blurry and her breathing was uneven.  
"Why?" Her voice was shaky and the word left with a huff of air. She could feel her heart beat in her head, far too fast to be healthy.  
Abby’s eyes were wide in shock as she closed her mouth that had fallen agape, then opened it again to say something, closed it and finally when the words did leave her lips her voice sounded empty, void of emotion with a hint of absolute misery.  
"Car accident. She’s in... uh-a... surgery."  
"Fuck." The pipe she was holding dropped from her hands and hit the floor in what felt like slow-motion. She took off running towards the door, downstairs, to the car.  
"Holtz, wait!" Abby said, storming after her coworker.  
She found Holtzmann desperately attempting to open the door to the car and crumbling to the floor, tears gathered in the corners of her eyes. Abby put a hand on her shoulder and Jillian looked up.  
"I’ll drive."  
Holtz willingly walked to the other side of the car, opening the door Abby had unlocked and crashing into the seat. About half of the drive was silent with both of them staring vacantly out of the window, Abby consternating on the road to keep her mind off the disturbing image settling in her mind.  
"She’s going to be okay, right?"

A pause.

"Right?" 

Jillian’s voice was practically desperate, asking for reassurance because it had to be okay.  
Because she could not lose Erin.  
Because there were so many things left untold that she regretted at this moment in which the chance of so many ‘never again’s was creeping it’s way into her mind, which she so hard tried to ignore but failed.  
Because she could not lose someone she loved so much.

Silence.

"Abby!" It was a cry for help.  
"Tell me she’s going to be okay." The tears were threatening to make their way down her face yet she wouldn’t allow them to drop quite yet.  
Abby took a deep breath. She didn’t know. Yet she wished it to be true as much as the engineer next to her did.  
Losing Erin a second time, this time with no chance of ever getting her back... She shook her head. The thought was too much for her to handle.  
Jillian bit into her lower lip until she tasted blood and squeezed her eyes shut, the raw emotion reflecting clearly on her face but the tears didn’t fall. Not yet.

\----------  
Jillian stormed though the door, almost collapsing against the information table.  
"Erin Gilbert." It was a breathless near shout filled with desperation as her eyes searched the room around her helplessly.  
"Miss, can I get your name first?" That damn sympathetic look.  
"Jillian Holtzmann. I should uh... I should be listed as her emergency contact... I’m her... her friend. I need to see her. I need to know if she’s okay!" A singular tear made it’s way down her cheek.  
"Please." Her voice was pleading, begging, heavy with despair.  
It was a blur from there, Abby talking to the woman at the information desk for her, walking down a mostly empty hallway, a ghostly echo sending their footsteps, the lights so bright they were almost blinding, the neatness and white surrounding her seemingly too perfect as she pictured Erin covered in blood and cuts and winced at the imaginary sight. 

No.

 

Jillian had always had an odd love for the smell of hospitals, however now she saw the disgust it induced in many people. She saw much more. Felt more. It hurt.  
Time had sped up and slowed down all at the same time and Holtzmann couldn’t be sure if the lights were really flickering or if it was simply her imagination playing tricks on her as she waited. And waited. And waited.  
She slid down the wall and put her head in head arms resting on her knees, shaking it slowly, ever so slightly.  
Abby put a hand on her shoulder and wished she could’ve done more. It hurt to know she couldn’t help but what hurt more was the helplessness of the situation, the time stretching long, leaving them with only a whisper of a sense of reality.

After waiting for an undefinable time unit for the two, a nurse walked towards them. She was fairly young and grim faced, which, presuming from the slight lines in the corners of her lips, wasn’t the default.  
She checked her notepad, looking up to the two with a less questioning, more stating look and tone of voice: "Jillian Holtzmann and Abby Yates?" A nod. "You’re here for Erin Gilbert, correct?" Another nod from Abby and a faint "Yes." from Holtzy, who seemed shorter, smaller than usual.  
"Well, the good news is, she is out of surgery and stable. She is currently in a coma and we cannot be sure if she will wake however we are positive..." A bunch of medical stuff followed, most of which Holtzmann didn’t register.  
Tears were prickling at her eyes again as she interrupted the nurse.  
"Can we see her?"  
She nodded.

The sight they were greeted with was horrific to put it lightly. Erin, though still recognizable, was covered in bandages, hooked up to several tubes and the image made Jillian negatively weak in the knees because there she was. The woman she loved, lying in a hospital bed, so bruised, so vulnerable.  
A tear dropped to the cold, sterile hospital floor.

(...to be continued)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry.


	2. The clock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Or the one where Holtzmann starts to develop severe insomnia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I done did do the chapter 2
> 
> A little part of me broke writing this but don't worry, it'll get A LOT worse...  
> Next chapter will be up as soon as possible, I am currently very busy so I apologize for that.  
> So yeah, as always, please leave kudos and please do leave comments, every time I get a comment I turn into an exited puppy, basically...  
> Enjoy!

Chapter 2

Jillian was sat next to Erin’s hospital bed, still letting everything settle in, gently stroking the other woman’s hair, trying and failing to pretend she was simply asleep which wasn’t exactly made easier with the gentle beeping of the machines around them, the bandages covering Erin, a large one right on her forehead and the several tubes and monitors connected to her.

  
She didn’t know how long she’d spent sitting there, too tired to cry but refusing to rest or leave the comatose woman, when a nurse walked in, announcing visiting hours were over, not hearing the silent crack of Holtz’s heart breaking inside her.

  
She wordlessly left Erin’s side, taking a seat in the hallway the nurse had led her to, certain she wasn’t going anywhere from the building before Erin was awake, safe and sound. She didn’t sleep. Just listened to the clock ticking, counting down the seconds, minutes, hours ‘til the next day, when she was allowed back in there with Erin.

  
Around 2AM, the clock lost it’s watcher as Holtz, practically mid-panic attack left her chair and silently made her way back to Erin’s bedside, making sure no one spotted her. She sat there in silence, once again running her finger’s through Erin’s hair, in need of constant reassurance that the woman was still there, next to her.

  
She took Erin’s hand in her own, repeating a soothing motion with her thumb, wondering, if those theories were true and Erin could feel it. She wanted them to be true.

  
Silently, she laid her head next to the brunette’s, memorizing every single curve, every line and freckle and the sweet scent of vanilla in her hair. Her hair smelled like home and safety and when she lifted her head up she was greeted with the now sickening scent of hospitals. She wasn’t going to cry. Not in front of Erin, even if she was in a coma. So she squeezed her eyes shut and pulled her other hand into a tight fist and waited until she could hear steps in the hallway and see ever the slightest sunshine lighting the room through the blinds and took a last glance at Erin’s features, even more beautiful in this lighting.

  
She sat back down at her original spot and glanced at the familiar clock.

 

8:27AM

 

Jillian was wide awake.

 

Never the less, she dug out her phone and texted Abby, who had left shortly after 7PM with Patty, to get her some coffee.  
The night had went by quite peacefully and for the first time Holtz’s mind hadn’t been buzzing with new ideas and designs constantly. It was fixated solely on Gilbert.  
Jillian rolled her head back and let out a quiet groan.

 

\-------------- 

9:34AM

“Hey, baby, how you doin’?” Patty greeted her with a grim dark smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

Holtzmann looked down at Erin and shook her head.

“Not good.” She bit into her bottom lip. “You seen Abby?”

  
It was Patty’s turn to shake her head.  
“I think she’s at her place. I drove her there last night, at least. I saw her crying at the doorstep.”  
The engineer nodded. She understood why Abby would do her best to be strong, at least in front of the others. Jill was doing her best too, but it wasn’t working out all that well. She hadn’t fully cried in front of anyone since she was a little kid but the thought of losing Erin was far too much to handle. She stroked the back of the older woman’s hand with her thumb again and looked up at Patty, searching for reassurance.

  
“It’s gonna be okay, Holtzy, I promise.” Patty said and mentally cursed herself for making promises she wasn’t sure she could keep.  
The blonde forced a smile. It had to be true. She wouldn’t survive losing Erin.  
Or perhaps survive but Jillian didn’t just want to survive, she wanted to live and living was not something she could do without the woman she loved so much, more than anyone ever before.

  
They sat in silence for a while, occasionally exchanging comforting phrases.

 

At 13.46PM Abby showed up with three cups of steaming hot coffee, one for each of them. It was clear she had been crying, the red circles under her eyes giving it away, perhaps too easily but no one mentioned it.  
They’d all cried and they were all certain they would cry again.  
The discussion was hushed, everyone’s attention not 100% there, unable to focus on the current topic, but it was there and it was comforting.

“Were you here all night?” Abby arched an eyebrow at Holtz.  
“Huh…?” Needless to say the blonde’s attention was faded. She blinked and breathed a small “Yeah…” in response.  
Abby nodded.

Silence followed. There wasn’t much to talk about and when they did the words felt disrespectful to the silence.

“How’d it happen?” It was Holtzmann, not sure if either of the other two knew the answer but the need to know getting the best of her. Patty raised her eyes to look at Holtzmann, who’s features seemed rough as she added  
“Who… Who did this…?”

“I don’t know, baby, but I can check with the police if it’ll make you feel better.” Patty smiled, the smile not reaching her eyes.  
“Please do.” The woman considered hunting down and torturing whoever was responsible for this but as she looked down at Erin she realized this was the exact opposite of what she would’ve wanted. She would probably just want all of them to be strong.

  
Even like this, the brunette looked beautiful, peaceful, even and once again Jillian fixated her attention of capturing and memorizing each of her features in detail.  
It was calming.

But it wasn’t enough.

Holtz wanted to see her smile.

  
She wanted to see her open her eyes.

  
She wanted to feel her lips against her own.

 

The mad scientist had been in denial of her feelings for too long and now it might’ve been too late.


	3. You are my sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtzmann is afraid for her sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo this was physically and emotionally painful to write for me, my smol lesbian heart has been broken into pieces and I am... dead. So ya'll better fucking enjoy this, did I suffer for nothing?

 

  
It was Tuesday.

_11 days since… No._

She couldn’t say it, not even in her mind. Holtzmann hadn’t slept in 226 hours.  
She’d counted.

Jillian was exhausted, even more so emotionally than physically, yet unable to sleep, refusing to do so even if she could.

Abby and Patty visited every day. Holtzmann never left. The other two had to practically force feed her at times since the blonde didn’t care for anything that wasn’t Erin at the moment.

Of course, both Abby and Patty were concerned for her, blissfully unaware that the engineer had given up sleep completely.  
They’d tried getting Holtz to go home but both knew forcing her was quite impossible.  
  
The beeping of the machines had grown familiar to the engineer. The smell of the hospital still painful yet also something she’d grown used to.  
  
She never cried in front of Erin. Occasionally in the arms of either Abby or Patty and every single night but never in front of Erin.  
  
Every day was the same. Sit next to Erin. Wait for Abby and Patty. Talk to the other women, check for any updates with the doctors. Have a bit food basically fed to her by Patty. Leave when she was told, sit in the hallway, waiting for the morning.

Every night was the same. Listen to the clock ticking. Cry. Panic. Sneak into Erin’s room. Leave before the nurse came to check on her. Wait for the morning.

  
She was seated next to Erin’s hospital bed once again, alone, since Patty was outside, talking to a doctor. Again.

“I love you.” The whispered confession slipped off her lips.

The brunette’s lips twitched, forming a lop-sided smile.

The rest was a blur, Jillian jumping up, the quick standing causing a momentary black-out, throwing the door open, calling for the doctor, eyes filled with tears.

“Miss, I’m sorry. What you saw was an involuntary movement, common in coma patients but it does-“  
“But she smiled! She smiled at me, I… I…”  
The tears were stinging her eyes.  
  
She fell to the floor and the world went black.

 

She woke in her bedroom, a speckle of hope her heart it had all been a dream.  
The illusion was soon broken by Abby walking into the room, flashing a sympathetic smile.

“You’re awake.”  
  
“Erin…” The blonde said, voice hoarse.  
“Same as before. But the doctors are giving hope. Here, drink this.”  
  
Jillian glanced at the glass of water she was handed and drank it is one go.  
  
“How long have I been out?”  
“A day or so… You passed out on the floor. You did wake up a few hours later but I kinda gave you some sleeping pills. Holtz, when did you last sleep?”  
“Just now?” The scientist hoped to get away.  
“Holtzmann.” Abby’s voice was of a mother’s, stern yet caring and concerned, the same reflecting in her eyes.

Holtz looked down.

“Haven’t since… you know.”  
“Holtz, that’s 11 days, what were you thinking?!”  
“I… I… I wasn’t.”  
Her eyes drifted up for a moment, then back to the floor and she put down the empty glass.  
“Abby. I. I need Erin to be okay. I need to be with her. Okay? I don’t even need sleep, I’d… I’d give up sleep completely if I could just have Erin back. Abby. Tell me she’s going to be okay. I can’t… I can’t live without her.”  
Tears were stinging the corners of her eyes as Abby wrapped her in her arms and repeated a soothing motion with her hand on her back.  
  
Holtzmann sobbed into Abby’s shoulder.  
  
“I… I love her, Abby.”  
“I know, we all do.”  
“No. I mean. I love her. I never told her. But I love her. I love her as… as…”

That’s when realization hit Abby. I mean, of course it’d been quite obvious but…  
  
“Oh… Holtz… I’m so sorry.”

Holtzmann just sobbed.

 

  
“Abby, I need to see her, let me go!”  
  
Holtz was at the door, planning to make her way to the hospital, Abby trying to convince her to stay and rest.  
She soon gave up on it.  
  
“At least let me drive.”  
“Fine.”

The car ride was silent.

 

Erin looked the same. The room looked the same. Except there was a vase filled with flowers on the window sill, probably placed there by Patty.  
  
The machines’ low hum was almost calming.

Jillian took Erin hand in her own and looked at the other woman, her eyes filled with pure, raw pain and love.

“Hey… Don’t know if you can hear me but… I mean… Does it matter?”  
  
She sighed to herself.  
  
“I’m sorry I was away. I uh… um… I may have skipped a few… or 11 days of sleep… Ya know, if you were awake you’d probably make your eyes really big and say something like “Holtz, you need to sleep.” And I’d… I’d say something really cheesy. I’d invite you to sleep with me.”  
  
She bitterly chuckled to herself.  
  
After a moment of silence her smile faded as she voiced  
“Come back to me, okay? I’m gonna need to you to keep fighting, Gilbert. I’m… I’m gonna need you to wake up. And smile and talk and… I need you.”

Another pause.  
  
“You know, you remind me of that song. “You are my sunshine”. I wonder if you’ve heard it…”  
  
She absentmindedly started humming the tune, soon adding the lyrics.  
  
“You are my sunshine,  
My only sunshine.  
You make me happy,  
When skies are gray…  
You’ll never know dear,  
How much I love you…”  
  
Her voice broke at the next words and tears were rolling down the cheeks but she kept singing.

 _“Please don’t take my sunshine away…_  
  
The other night, dear,  
As I lay sleeping  
I dreamed I held you in my arms.  
When I awoke, dear,  
I was mistaken  
And I hung my head and cried.”  
  
She was crying, her whole face stained with tears that were dropping on the sheets of the hospital bed. Her voice kept breaking and she was sobbing between words but she didn’t stop.  
  
“You are my sunshine,  
My only sunshine.  
You make me happy  
When skies are gray.  
You’ll never know, dear,  
How much I love you.  
Please don’t take my sunshine away.  
_Please don’t take my sunshine away…”_

The last words were forced through tears and sobs, the knot in Jillian’s throat and the ache in her chest that refused to leave.  
  
She hung her head and cried. She just kept crying. The only words running through her mind

_Please don’t take my sunshine away. Please._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really am sorry.


	4. "You look like a real couple."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Holtzmann freaks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am in so much pain, guys.

The nurse announced visiting hours over and Holtzmann presumed she could return to her usual routine.  
  
Instead, Abby walked her out of the hospital and drove her home. The woman stood at her doorstep, refusing to go in. She couldn’t be home right now. Just couldn’t.

Never the less, she unlocked the door and stepped inside, greeted by a smell too familiar.  
  
She dropped her bag to the floor and walked into her living room, which was currently as messy as always however pretty clean for Holtz. She wanted to punch something.  
  
Days of built up rage and emotion burst out like the cork off a champagne bottle.

Tears streaming down her face as she cursed everyone and everything.  
She cursed the universe and whoever was driving the other car. She’d forgotten to find out who it was so she cursed herself.

She cursed herself for not being in that car instead of Erin.

“It.” She grabbed a chair and smashed it to the ground.  
“Should.” A vase flew across the room.  
“Have.” Jillian’s knuckles connected with the hard wall and she winced in pain.  
“Been.” Blood was running down the hand she was clenching.  
_“Me!”_

She needed to destroy something. Something personal.  
  
Stupid Erin, being so fucking lovable and getting in a fucking car crash.  
  
She searched the place for something personal, something to smash to the ground.  
  
The picture. Perfect.

She took it from her bedside.

It was of her and Erin, Holtz’s arms around the other woman, pressing a kiss to her cheek.

_“Quick, Abby, take a picture!” Holtz said, running up from behind Erin, grabbing her by the waist._  
  
_Abby laughed and snapped the photo._  
_“You look like a real couple here.” She smiled._  
_Erin muttered a ‘shut up’, faking being annoyed and Holtzmann winked._

_The next day, Holtz got a framed copy._

Abby was right. They did look like a couple.  
  
She couldn’t destroy it. Instead, the engineer brushed her finger over it, her cheeks wet with tears.

She couldn’t stay there.

All alone, in the middle of a chaos of the blonde’s own design.

Jillian packed a few necessities including a few clothes and a toothbrush and made her way to the car.

She knew it was a bad idea.

How she ended up at Erin’s place, she didn’t fully know. The drive had been mindless, she knew where she was going yet it was all a complete blur.

Finding the back up key Gilbert had given her, she unlocked the door and stepped into Erin’s apartment.

The place was neat and clean, a picture of herself, Abby, Patty and Holtzmann sitting on her counter, a few paintings on the walls that came with the place. It all looked so… Erin.

Holtz was a brilliant scientist, fully aware that this was a horrible idea, but she couldn’t be home right now.  
  
Abby wouldn’t let her stay at the hospital.

And she needed the comfort this place provided. It smelled like Erin. Looked like Erin.

Still exhausted, even after a full day of sleeping, she found the bedroom and buried her face into Erin’s pillow, inhaling deeply to capture the other woman’s smell.

  
_“Hey…” Erin was stroking her hair, smiling, lying next to her._  
_“You okay?”_  
_“You’re not real.”_  
_Erin looked down._  
_“How can you tell?”_  
_“I just know.”_  
_Holtzmann turned to face the other woman and she looked so real. She felt so real, she wanted her to be real but there it was- the knowing feeling in her gut, letting her know this was nothing more but a dream, a hallucination, perhaps._  
_Erin smiled at her and got off the bed._

  
_“Wait!”_

  
_She saw a glimpse of Erin, smiling at the door, blood trickling down her forehead and the door shut._  
_‘You can’t catch me.’_  
_The words echoed through the room in a ghostly whisper as Holtzmann banged her fists on the door, it refusing to open._

Jillian awoke screaming, her breathing ragged, uneven.

  
“Erin!”

  
It was a cry, potentially loud enough for the whole building to hear, mixed in with a sob, first of many as she attempted to catch her breath.  
  
Grabbing the pillow and hugging it to her chest tightly the blonde curled up on the bed and let the sobs wrack her body for what felt like forever.

Her breathing eventually calmed.  
“Erin…” It was barely a whisper now.

Her eyes were swollen red as she changed and headed over to her own place to get a few things she’d left behind and a few pieces of clothing before visiting hours started.

  
The day was spent like any other. Erin’s bedside and quiet words she hoped Erin could hear.

This time it was Patty that made sure Holtz left the hospital, unaware the blonde was not heading home, but back to Erin’s, after stopping at the store to buy what was definitely not health foods but after days of barely eating at all, the hunger was catching up with her.

Erin’s kitchen was clean and neat, much like her entire apartment, unlike any of Holtz’s space.

Jillian respected that, making sure to keep the kitchen, as well as the whole place clean and neat.

That night she picked up a bottle of sleeping pills.

_Damn sleeping pills._

They’d been quite an addiction in her earlier days, leaving Holtz in the hospital once she’d taken too many, just to get a bit of sleep.

Today she swallowed two and slipped into a dreamless yet restless sleep, comforted by the smell of Erin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, kudos, warm my cold soul with them please


	5. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Holtzmann struggles with nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I am sleep-deprived and in great mental (and slight physical) pain.

In the morning Jillian was woken by her phone ringing. It was Abby.

  
“Holtzmann. Hey. Where are ya?”  
“Uh… Home.”  
Please don’t be at my place, please don’t be at my place, please be somewhere fucking else.  
“Alright… Listen, Holtz, the mayor kinda needs us to keep working. Something with the ghosts not taking a vacation. Do you think you could come in today?”

_No._

“Yeah, sure. Imma just… check up on Ez.”  
“Thanks.” Abby hung up.

Holtzmann buried her face in her arms.

\---------------------------------------------------  
The hospital visit went as always, complete with soft, sad murmurs and hushed pleas.

She asked Erin to come back to her, every single day.  
  
To keep fighting.  
  
Because she was not strong enough to lose her.

\---------------------------------------------------  
  
Making her way to the firehouse, Jillian could feel the rain soaking her hair and clothes, wetting her feet and yet she didn’t care, hands in her pockets, eyes pointed to the ground she did her best to keep walking.

_Just keep going._

The rain was enough to wet her feet but not enough to drown her and the blonde was sick of it.

Opening the door to the fire station, the place felt strange. Empty, lifeless. So very quiet.

The lights were dim and the tension was thick enough for one to cut it with a knife.

Patty was seated at her desk, attempting to keep her focus on the book in her hands. Anything to distract her.

Abby was clearly distressed, each of her movements done with obvious anxiety.

Yet neither looked as bad as Holtzmann. Her hair wasn’t in it’s usual coiffed do. Instead it clung to her face and neck, completely drenched from the rainfall as were her clothes.

Well, not all _her_ clothes.  
She was wearing Erin’s sweater.  
No one mentioned it.

The engineer made her way upstairs to tinker on some of her newest inventions, feeling completely and utterly numb.

Business as usual had lost all meaning.

  
\---------------------------------------------------  
Abby put down the phone. She’d sent Kevin home for an unknown time unit.

“Got a ghost.” She said a sighed, numbly repeating all the information she’d just heard to her teammates.  
  
Grabbing the gear, making their way to the Ecto-1, it was all done in complete silence, mechanically.

The ghost was a violent one.

Holtzmann didn’t crack a single joke.

She fought recklessly.  
This resulted in the scientist getting thrown across the room, leaving Abby and Patty to capture the paranormal being in a containment unit.

“Holtz, you kay?”  
“Just… fine, Pats. Only a couple of scratches.”  
“Holtzmann, what were you thinking, you could’ve been killed!”  
“It’s fine, Abby. See? Completely, 100% alive?” She gestured to herself with a grim expression.

Abby sighed. It was clear Holtzmann was, in fact, not quite as fine as she insisted and yet there was nothing she could do about it.

“Take the rest of the day off.”  
“Fine.”  
Holtz rolled her eyes.

\---------------------------------------------------

Staring at the framed photo for the hundredth time, a loud sigh escaped her lips.

They looked so happy on that photo. It broke her heart.

She put it down next to the bed, climbing into the bed even though it was rather early.  
She just wanted to sleep the pain away.

Swallowing a few pills, she surrounded herself with the comforting, familiar smell of Erin Gilbert.

Erin Gilbert, the brilliant, beautiful, dorky woman Jillian had to admit she was in love with.

_Why do you have to be such an idiot, Holtzmann?_

It was thoughts like that that eventually lulled her to sleep which she hoped would bring her some peace.

\---------------------------------------------------

_“Hey, Abbs! Where’s Erin?” She greeted the other woman with a smile._

_“Who?” She looked genuinely confused._

_The blonde laughed._

_“Erin. She come in yet?”_  
_“Holtzmann, who’s Erin?”_  
_The smile slipped from the blonde’s lips._  
_“Erin Gilbert. Brown hair, blue eyes, wears sweaters and flannels, 40 something… Erin, our friend. Coworker. Abby, is this some kinda joke or something?” The engineer was puzzled._

 _“Who’s Erin?” Patty asked, walking in._  
_The world was starting to spin around Holtzmann._  
_“Doesn’t anyone remember her?”_  
  
_“Who’s Erin?”_  
_The words echoed as a whisper, repeating themselves in Jillian’s head._

Once again she woke crying, unsure, which was worse, the helpless confusion of the dream or the harsh and cruel truth of reality. She just wanted everything to stop.

Slipping another small handful of sleeping pills into her mouth, the blonde laid her head on Erin’s pillow.

  
_She was standing at a cemetery. The dirt around her was moist, her hands touching the ground._  
  
_She lifted her head just enough to read the headstone:_

 _ERIN GILBERT_  
_1973-2016_

_**No.** _

_It couldn’t be. Erin wasn’t dead. She was right there with her._  
_As she turned around the hand on her shoulder disappeared._

 _“I’m gone, Holtzmann.”_  
  
_**“No!”**_  
_Tears were streaming down her face, her eyes burning, the writing on the headstone became blurry._

 _She stood up and looked down._  
_At the bottom of the grave, there was a casket. In the casket lied Erin, eyes closed, wearing a white silky dress with lace at the bottom, her hands carefully folded over a beautiful bouquet of flowers which Jillian quickly recognized as the other woman’s favorites._

_The rain started pouring, flooding the grave, filling it up with dirt and water, leaving her screaming for Erin, unable to get to her._

_The susurrus voice echoed through the air once again._  
  
_“I’m gone. You can’t get me. I’m gone.”_

_The voice was almost playful._

_She was in a field filled with flowers, chasing after the other woman who was laughing but not like herself, failing to catch up._

_Suddenly she saw Erin drop to the ground in front of her. Rushing over, she realized she was lying in a puddle of her own blood, still oozing from the large wound gaping in her gut._

_Jillian could feel the pain in her own stomach._

_Erin was bleeding out, wearing a flower crown and a dress in pastel pink, her cheeks rose pink and that same damn bouquet under her laced fingers, ever the slightest smile tugging at her lips, quickly obtaining a blueish color._

_“Erin? Erin!” The words were mangled as they came through tears and sobs, Jillian’s voice hoarse and raspy as she struggled to breath._

_Oxygen had ran out around her._  
_Clawing her throat, she saw Erin’s face flash in front of her eyes, smiling, laughing, sleeping and in her hospital bed, that odd peace to her closed eyes, making it a bit easier to pretend, just for a second, a brief passing moment in time that perhaps Gilbert was just sleeping, about to wake up any minute and smile at Holtzmann._

_The face faded from her vision._

“Come back! No, please, Erin!” Her face was stained with tears and her breathing out of control, eyes wide in panic, filled with tears.  
  
She gripped the blanket so tightly her knuckles turned white.

She took two more pills.

Waited.

When they didn’t work, she took more. And more.

Feeling dizzy, she got up. She wanted alcohol. And she wanted Erin.  
  
She grabbed Erin’s ugly Christmas sweater out of her closet and brought it to her face, inhaling deeply.  
Sobbing, she leaned on the wall and slowly slid to the ground, crying loudly into the piece of clothing.

“Why didn’t I tell her?” It was but a whisper to herself.  
“Jillian, you stupid idiot!”  
  
2:22AM

There was a beer in the fridge. She wanted alcohol.  
Standing up to get it, she immediately felt dizzy. Giving up on her cause she slid to the floor and fell asleep on the floor, still clutching the sweater.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, kudos, just leave feedback, it matters so much to me...  
> I sacrificed sleep for this...


	6. Cannot live without her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin is rushed into surgery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7 is coming up very soon.  
> Also, big thank you to the lovely iliveinfantasies for reading all of this angst pre-posting

She woke to a horrible migraine and nausea. 

16:32

17 missed calls. Most from Abby, a few from Patty.  
Light was shining in through the blinds and Holtzmann winced in pain, making her way to the window, turning around half-way there and instead dragging herself to the bathroom to empty the contents of her stomach into the toilet. 

She was a mess. 

After closing the blinds she checked her phone, blinded by the bright light of it. 

**Abby:** _You coming to work today?_  
**Abby:** _Why aren’t you replying?_  
**Abby:** _Holtz, are you okay?_

She pressed the call button.

The other woman picked up on the first ring, her voice panicked.   
“Holtzmann where are you, why didn’t you answer your phone?” She was practically yelling, doing no good to Holtz’s already quite massive headache.   
She swallowed.  
“I’m uh… home. Yeah.”  
“Holtz, I know you’re not home. Patty checked your door several times. And even if you didn’t have that crazy ninja hearing of yours, no one can ignore Patty for that long.”  
“Shit…”  
“Holtzmann. Where are you? Why haven’t you answered your phone?”   
“Uh… I… I’m just having a migraine. Yeah. That’s it. I’ll uh… I’ll come to work tomorrow. I just slept through most of the day. Because of the headache. That’s it.”  
She could hear Abby sighing on the other end of the line.  
“Take care of yourself, Holtz, okay?”   
“Okay. I’m going to hang up now. Talking hurts.”   
It wasn’t a lie. 

She put her phone down.   
Her head was killing her and she felt like she was going to throw up again. 

Scavenging Erin’s medicine cabinet she found some pain killers. They helped a little. 

She needed to see Erin. And she’d promised to visit every day. 

\---------------------------------------------------

“Hey, Ez… What’s cracka-lackin?”  
She sighed.  
“I did something stupid. Actually, I did a lot of stupid things. I’m sorry.”  
She lowered her head.  
“Maybe it’s good you’re not awake to see me like this…”  
She chuckled bitterly.  
“I’m a colossal mess. Damn it, Gilbert. Why couldn’t it be me, instead?”

The monitor next to Erin started beeping loudly, startling Holtzmann. A nurse rushed in, paging a doctor.   
She shoved a panicked Jillian out of the door as several people gathered around Erin, someone yelling and Holtzmann felt like she couldn’t breath as Erin was rushed into surgery. 

The woman collapsed on the floor in tears, forgetting completely there were people around her.

She forgot the entire world around her. The Earth kept rotating, the people kept moving, the time kept passing but to Holtzmann it felt as if everything had suddenly just stopped completely.

There was nothing more in that moment but raw emotion.

There was despair.   
Fear.  
Fury.  
Misery.   
Panic.  
_Love._

It was all just too much. Jillian just wanted it to stop. She wanted to scream her lungs out.   
Run until her feet gave out under her.  
She wanted to drown herself in an ocean of her own tears.

She wanted Erin back. She begged for a second chance.   
Just one more. 

A chance to tell Erin.   
Just one more…

Just one more breath.  
Just one more smile.  
And yet she knew if she had one more she’d never get enough.  
She needed Erin.  
She needed her to be okay.  
Not wanted.  
_Needed._

Life would lose all meaning without Erin. Holtz couldn’t even imagine her gone. 

What would be the point of anything without Erin?   
The corny jokes if they didn’t make Erin laugh?  
Building new devices on a daily basis if they didn’t make Erin smile, if Erin couldn’t use them?  
Busting ghosts if she couldn’t do it with Erin?

_What would be the point of living without the woman she loved so much?_

The voice came to her muffled, through a haze, a mental wall of smoke that had built around Holtzmann.  
“Miss, are you okay?”  
The nurse knew it was a stupid question to ask a woman lying on the floor, gasping for air in tears.   
Holtzmann looked at her in horror as she helped her up and sitting on one of the chairs.   
She swallowed, hard.

She shook her head, rocking back and forth slightly, shivering.   
Her voice was broken, rather a whimper  
“No.”  
She shook her head again and looked down.   
“No, I am not fucking okay!”

The nurse put a hand on Jillian’s shoulder.  
“It’s going to be okay.”

Jillian looked at her.  
Her voice was stone cold.

“You don’t know that.”

“You’re right. I don’t. But I can promise we’re doing our best.”   
Jillian swallowed hard again.  
“What if your best- What if it isn’t good enough? Because if you lose that woman in that OR. You didn’t just lose one person. You lost two. Because I cannot live without her. I can’t. I don’t want to.”

She didn’t know why she was saying any of this to a stranger. A need to get it out of her system, perhaps.  
The nurse sighed.

A strand had fallen out of her bun of curly, strawberry pink hair and she had bags under her eyes.   
“We’re doing our best, Miss. There’s nothing more I can tell you. But the doctors are still giving hope. She’s had reactions to her surroundings, minor but… they’re there.”  
Holtzmann smiled genuinely for the first time she heard about Erin. It was a bitter smile but she was thankful.   
The small reassurance was helping her hope.

And hope is useful at times. But destructive at others. 

Jillian picked up her phone and dialed Abby’s number. Her voice was raspy.

“Erin’s in surgery.”  
That was all she managed and in a matter of minutes Abby was at the hospital with her, walking away from the doctor, content with the information she had been supplied with. 

“How you holding up?”  
Jillian looked down.  
“Horribly.”  
There was no point in lying. 

Abby sighed.  
“Me too…”  
She sat down next to Jillian as the other woman turned her head to look at her.   
“I just… Why didn’t I tell her, Abby? I’m such an idiot. It’s all my fault anyways.”  
“It’s not your fault, Holt-”  
“No, it literally is my fault. I was supposed to be in that car instead of her. It was my turn to get lunch. And she… I was in the middle of some stupid project so she…”  
She bit her lip to keep the tears from rolling down her cheeks. 

“And I never even told her. I just… I just want a second chance, Abbs. And I want Erin back.”  
Abby pulled Holtz into a tight hug.  
“Oh Holtz, we all do. I can’t imagine losing her again.”

They just sat there, staring numbly at the wall for a few. It was unnerving and calming both at the same time.   
Eventually a man in scrubs walked towards them and greeted both with a smile that filled both eyes and hearts with hope.

“She has been stabilized. She’s going to need time but…”  
He nodded with a content look on his face.   
Holtzmann let out a whimper of joy and wrapped her arms around Abby.

“However I cannot guarantee that she will wake up.” The sunshine left his face.  
“Really, all we can do right now is wait and hope.” 

With that comment, he leaves.   
“Wait!” He turns on his heel to face Holtzmann.   
“Can we see her? Please.”  
He nods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos literally feed me. I print them out and eat them for dinner.  
> Kidding, kidding, but they really do mean a lot


	7. Dancing slowly in an empty room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Holtzmann hallucinates.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, I made myself sad  
> (Also I do feel as if the suicide notes are abit of a filler here but they will have a point later on)

Erin giggles.

"Oh, we’re dancing."  
Holtzmann intertwines her fingers with Erin and puts one hand on her hip. Erin, in response, rests her own on Holtzmann’s shoulder.

They move around the dimly lit room in unison, Jillian’s face a few centimeters away from Erin’s.

They look into each others eyes as if they held the galaxy.  
Erin closes her eyes and her lips meet Holtzmann’s. It feels soft. It feels real.

Erin pulls back and Jillian watches her slowly disappear from her arms as they keep swaying around the room.  
  
"I love you..." The last word is caught in the air as a faint whisper and then Erin is gone.  
The music keeps going. Jillian keeps dancing, the warmth of Gilbert in her arms replaced with a familiar coldness.  
She keeps dancing when the dim lighting of the candle wears off and she is no longer dancing amongst the stars but alone in her bedroom.

No, _Erin’s_ bedroom.

She keeps dancing when the music stops and when the tears start rolling down her face.

She’s been alone all along.

  
_She felt so real._

She thinks.

 _Great. Now I’m hallucinating._  
  
The woman find the fridge, in which lies more alcohol that Erin’s probably had there in total.  
She opens a can of beer and chugs it in one go.  
Uncorking a bottle of wine she considers getting herself a glass.  
  
Realizing her hands are shaking merely holding the bottle she gives up on that idea.

Instead, she takes a large sip straight from the bottle. It’s sour.

It’s been a month.  
A month of depression and fear. Abuse of sleeping pills and alcohol. Of sleepless nights. Of tears and nightmares.

She put the bottle down.  
  
_Not tonight._  
  
Walking back to the bed she buried her head in Erin’s pillow and winced as she realized it smelled more like her than Erin.  
  
Lying there, restless, staring at the ceiling for more than half an hour.  
  
Eventually, she gave up on it, stood up and started pacing around the room, trying and failing to shut out her thoughts.

Her brain felt like a broken white noise machine, playing all of the sounds all at once.  
  
And the worst part was, the blonde had no way of shutting it off even though it was driving her mad.  
  
On a random impulse, she started pulling out the drawers.  
One had a pack of letters inside.

She knew she shouldn’t. But what did it matter?  
She took them out of the drawer, reading through them, one by one.

  
_**10.12.1987**_  
 _ **Dear diary,**_

 _**I believe this whole diary idea is unfathomably stupid but my therapist is forcing me to do this and my parents are forcing me to go to therapy.** _  
_**I hate therapy, every single minute of it.** _  
_**I am so tired.** _  
_**Of everything.** _  
_**I’m tired of therapy.** _  
_**Tired of being called a freak.** _  
_**Ghost girl.** _  
_**Tired of having no friends.** _  
_**Tired of no one believing me.** _

_**So I’ve decided to take the advice of my dearest fellow students.**_  
_**I’m tired of breathing.**_  
_**I am tired of living.**_  
  
_**If all goes right, I won’t have to be tired anymore tomorrow.**_  
_**So this is goodbye.**_  
_**I’m done being ghost girl. I’m done being alive.**_

_**~Erin Gilbert** _

 

_Was this…? Were these…?_

Jillian continued reading.

 

 _**22.08.1988** _  
_**Note to self,** _  
_**The world is a cruel place.** _

_**It’s my birthday today. You know how normal people usually get congratulations and presents? I got shoved into a wall and called a freak while everyone laughed.**_  
  
_**I want to die. So bad. I want everything over. I just wish I didn’t have to exist.**_  
_**It’s not like anyone will miss me.**_

 _**I’m writing this mostly for myself. Not like anyone would care to read.** _  
_**Tonight I’m ending it. I’ve got the razors. I hope I’ll cut deep enough this time.** _

_**If there is a God, I won’t wake up this morning.**_  
  
_**~Erin Gilbert**_

  
Holtzmann had known Erin had been fucked up. But not this fucked up. She put the other six down, expecting similar content, not mentally capable of handling that

 

Work was dull these days. Quiet. Holtz didn’t play music anymore.  
She had taken over Erin’s desk. No one questioned it.

Anything felt better than staring at the vacant seat, imagining Erin working on her equations, being the brilliant scientist she was.  
She couldn’t do it.

Every day was the same.  
She woke up in Erin’s bed. In Erin’s apartment. Always pulling on at least one clothing item that belonged to Erin. She went to work and sat at Erin’s desk. The rest of the day, until the visiting hours ended, she spent sitting next to Erin, talking to her in a hushed voice.

The nightmares were only getting worse.  
Falling asleep became harder and harder every day, the pills starting to fail the engineer yet again.

Sometimes, more often than she’d like to admit, she drank. Just to numb out the pain. It never worked but…

\---------------------------------------------------  
  
  
_Holtzmann walked into the fire station, asking for Erin._  
_Abby’s face took a grim, confused expression._  
_“Holtzmann. Erin’s been dead for two years.”_  
_Jillian’s stomach dropped._  
_“No.” Her voice was horrified._

 _Suddenly, Holtz was in a maze. She could hear Erin screaming in pain. The blonde ran towards the sound._  
_Her feet were bare and the thorns on the ground were slicing up her feet. She didn’t care for the pain. She didn’t care she was out of breath and exhausted._  
_She kept running._  
_In sheer panic she could hear Erin screaming yet she couldn’t reach her. The maze seemed endless._  
_She ran but Erin remained out of her reach. She was lost in the labyrinth._  
_Exhausted. Her feet were bleeding._  
_Suddenly, she was blocked by a brick wall. And she knew Erin was behind it._  
_She clawed and kicked but nothing helped. Jillian could feel Erin being in pain, she could hear her muffled screaming and crying._  
_The wall turned to glass. Erin stood there with a blank, numb expression on her face._  
_She was in a glass tank._  
_It started filling with water._  
_Erin just stood. Stared. Her eyes were empty._  
_Holtzmann threw herself at the glass. She screamed and punched it, leaving her knuckles to bleed. She didn’t care._  
_The water reached Erin’s neck. Her eyes filled with panic now. She was clawing at her throat, screaming something Holtzmann couldn’t hear through the glass._  
_Tears stained her eyes._  
_The tank was full. Erin’s hair floated around her face as she mouthed_  
_‘I love you.’_  
_Suddenly, Holtzmann felt as if she was drowning too._

She woke, gasping for air, her nails digging into the blankets that now smelled more like herself than Erin which made Jillian’s heart shatter into a million small pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will feast of kudos and comments.  
> But being serious, they mean so damn much, listen, if you've left a comment on this fic you deserve a cookie, I love you, bless your beautiful being.


	8. Not okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of shit goes down in this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is probably the longest and possibly the angstiest of all chapters.  
> Yet again, I have lost a shitton of sleep over this story so make this sleepy lesbian a happy sleepy lesbian by leaving kudos and comments.

  
_Bubbles rose to the surface of the water. Jillian could still make out Erin’s facial features and the panic in her eyes, her screams muffled by the water, hands reaching up to Holtzmann for help._  
 _The water was cold. Holtz didn’t care. Her hands were reaching for Erin but every time their fingertips felt close she slipped away again._  
  
_“Erin!”_

_The blonde was screaming, crying as Erin was getting only further away from her._  
 _Without thinking twice, she jumped after her, swimming even though she so terribly wanted to breathe._  
  
_The water seemed bottomless and Holtzmann could see the body of the other woman floating under her. Her hair was surrounding her face and Jillian had a sense of deja vú._  
  
_The water disappeared. It was replaced by a meadow Jillian had seen before. She was floating above it._

_On the ground lay Erin, covered in bright, colorful flowers. Soon enough though, they all adapted a similar black color with the bright fire coloring them a slight blood red._  
  
_Erin was on fire too. Completely calm, she was burning, turning into dust and black smoke and Jillian was stuck in the air, watching it happen in sheer horror._  
 _The woman she loved was being turned into ashes right in front of her and there was nothing she could do about it._

_The thick, dark smoke surrounded Jillian, making her unable to see, unable to breathe._  
  
She woke, screaming, yet again. She was shivering as she sat up and rocked back and forth on the bed.   
Why she went to the drawer, she didn’t know. Picking up the note on the very top.

  
_**To whoever finds this note:** _

  
_**My name is Erin Gilbert. If all goes right, at the time you’re reading this I will be dead.** _   
_**Now don’t worry, it’s not like anyone will miss me. In fact, it has been made quite clear that I am not wanted here.** _

  
_**Breathing has become difficult.** _

  
_**The pain and darkness have followed me from a young age to the present.** _

  
_**I am 16 years old and homeless.** _

  
_**I was kicked out of my own home today, by my own parents, disowned by my family for being… queer. It feels like a dirty word.** _

  
_**See, I am bisexual. And that is not number one on the list of things that make Erin Gilbert a freak.** _

  
_**Actually, most people believe I’m crazy. I can see why…** _   
_**When I was 8 years old I saw a ghost. The mean old lady next door died and for a year she stood at the foot of my bed, just… staring. I couldn’t sleep. Still cannot. To this day I continue to have nightmares and anxiety. I just want them to stop.** _

  
_**I told my parents. They didn’t believe me. No one ever has. So, ever since then I have been in therapy. I have hated every single moment of it.** _

  
_**My e** _ _**ntire school hates me. I am often covered in bruises from the beatings and the mental torture, amongst other things, has made me depressive.** _

  
_**To this day I am called Ghost Girl.** _   
_**I have no friends. I have no one. I’ve tried to reach out but everyone walks away. I feel alone. I am afraid.** _

  
_**I am not okay.** _

  
_**I want to die so bad. That started years ago…** _   
_**I guess happiness was just never meant for me.** _

  
_**I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost who I was. I am in so much pain every single day. It never gets any better, only worse with each passing day.** _   
_**I have nowhere to go.** _

  
_**Most of the time it feels as if I am cut out from the outside world, everything coming to me through a thick fog.** _

  
_**I hate myself so much. Why do I have to be such a freak?** _

  
_**You know, they’re probably right, I am crazy. I deserve to die. I’m doing everyone a favor by killing myself. They’ll all be better off without me. Happier.** _

  
_**I am sorry to my parents for never being the daughter they wanted. I am such a fucking disappointment. Why am I like this?** _   
_**I’m barely sleeping, barely breathing, barely living.** _

  
_**It’s hard to say goodbye. Really hard.** _   
_**I want to say thank you to everyone at school for all the pain.** _

  
_**I’m leaving this world because here your heart must either break or turn into stone and I don’t want either, I am sick of both.** _

  
_**I want to say this to my bullies- It is your fault I am dead. Though you’re probably celebrating anyways, Ghost Girl is dead, whoop de doo, everyone is happy!** _

  
_**I am just going to sleep for a bit longer than usual, after all… You may even call it an eternity.** _

  
_**Like the sun, I go down.** _

  
_**I lived my life with so little love from others. Always doing my best, giving my all and it was never enough. I was never enough. I just don’t want to live anymore.** _

  
_**I’m sick of being a freak. Of therapy. Of breathing. It doesn’t fucking get better.** _   
_**I’m lost.** _

  
_**So, I take a leap into the unknown, I am about to, perhaps witness the greatest adventure of my entire existence.** _

  
_**I do not believe anyone should take their life without deep consideration and immense thought put into it first.** _

  
_**I have considered and thought so much. In fact, I have tried to take my own life before, several times yet always failed. I hope this time I will have more luck.** _

  
_**To whoever, if anyone, ever finding, reading this… I’m sorry. Sorry you had to read this. I just needed to get everything out of my system.** _

  
_**I am currently sitting on the park bench. It is night. I have nowhere else to be. It’s so cold. But I know that my blood is warm. Perhaps, in my last moments it will warm my freezing wrists before becoming cold itself.** _   
_**I apologize to whoever finds my cold, dead body. I wish I could’ve done this somewhere more private. But no. I want my story out there. I want people to know what happens to people after years of being treated wrong. I want people to know what happens to people like me. Bullied at school. Disowned by family for being queer.** _

  
_**Sometimes, I feel like I’m going mad. And sometimes I feel like I’m already there. Is this an act of insanity? Well, by definition, yes. I have tried to take my life before, as I said and each time I expect a different outcome. Hopefully, this time I will get it.** _

  
_**Does this make me crazy? Maybe. Though I do not think so. I made this decision rationally.** _

  
_**I am in pain. Dead people don’t have to be in pain. Perhaps, I’d like to be in a coma right now. Such privilege, to exist without having to feel and yet still being given full credit for living. And people would probably even pretend to care.** _

  
_**There’s a war inside my head. I’m broken.** _   
_**I cannot be fixed. I am so very tired of trying to be normal. Maybe I’m just not meant to be normal. Maybe this was meant to be. For one girl to have to carry so much pain, it is just too much for me, I’m sorry but I cannot carry on.** _

  
_**I am all alone. And so very lonely.** _   
_**Well, I guess this is goodbye. Sorry if I get any blood on the paper.** _   
_**~Erin Gilbert** _

  
_**Tears were streaming down Jillian’s face as she finished the note. She’d needed to feel closer to Erin, she realized. Yet she felt further away than ever.**_  
 _ **The bottom right of the note had blood splatters on it and the paper was crumpled, Erin’s handwriting sloppy.**_  
  
_**Erin never said anything about what was written in these notes.**_  
 _ **Yes, she’d told them about the ghost and therapy and bullying but never anything about being kicked out.**_  
  
_**Or about being bisexual.**_

Nothing about the suicide attempts and the letters she had kept.   
It was all too much for the scientist to comprehend right now.

She sent a quick glance to the clock by Erin’s bed.

02:56AM

After a brief walk to the kitchen she was sitting on the bed with two bottles of beer, one of them already empty, the other one half way through.

Gently she wept and laid her head on the pillow again, drifting off into a restless slumber.  
  
  
_She could hear it ticking. The sound was familiar but… it didn’t sound like a clock._  
 _It wasn’t a clock. It was a bomb, ticking away, attached to Erin who’s head was lowered._  
 _Holtzmann felt dizzy as she stood up and Erin lifted her head. Panic flooded her eyes._  
 _“Holtz. Run.”_  
 _The blonde made her way towards the other woman, looking at the device connected to the explosives._

She could defuse that… right?

_“Holtzmann. You need to go. Save yourself.” Erin was crying, almost yelling._  
 _“No.” Jillian’s voice was shaking._  
 _“No. I am not leaving you here to just… die.” The word felt toxic leaving her lips._  
 _“I love you. I’m not leaving you.” Her voice was firm saying that, she was sure in her decision._  
 _She could figure the bomb out. She could save Erin._  
  
_The device made no sense in her eyes. It was all a blur and the engineer could feel panic rising to the back of her throat, filling her entire being._  
 _“Please, Holtz. Go.” Tears were streaming down Erin’s face._

_1 minute left_

_30 seconds_

_15… 10… 5…_

The woman woke screaming for the hundredth time.   
Instinctively she grabbed for the sleeping pills and swallowed several.

They didn’t work.

Thinking she had developed an immunity to them, yet again, or rather, not thinking at all, she took more.

It was all too much. She woke from her nightmares only to feel no relief. She wanted to shut out the pain.   
She chugged what was left of her beer.

She tried to stand up but something didn’t feel right. Something felt very, _very,_ off.

She felt dizzy, sick to the pit of her stomach and oh so very tired.  
This was not right.

The woman reached out for her phone, hitting speed dial.

Abby picked up after three rings.

_“Holtzmann, it is 4AM, why are you-“_   
_“Abby…”_

It was more of a groan than a word.  
  
_“I need help.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously guys... This one was hard to write. I felt like I gave up H20 for H2SO4
> 
> As always, leave feedback because it's what keeps me going. All you lovely people commenting, I want to thank you so much, this really means a lot to me.


	9. Maybe it'll be okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where things get fucked for a little bit and then get a little less fucked but not permanently

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, 10 000+ words already, this is officially the longest story I have written in my day, chapter 10 will be up in a few, hope ya'll enjoy

  
She woke to bright lights above her head and Abby’s voice.  
“What on Earth were you thinking, Holtzmann?”  
Confusion. Her vision was just now clearing. She was in the hospital, she realized. This time, however, she was the one in the bed.  
“Holtz, you could’ve died. Is this really what you want Erin to wake up to?”  
She made a mockery of her own voice:  
“Oh hey Erin, so you were kinda in a coma for a few months oh and Holtz killed herself because of that so, this I just delightful, yes?”

“Abby, what-”  
“Seriously, what were you thinking, overdosing on fucking sleeping pills. Do you really think killing yourself is the answer?”  
“I wasn’t… I wasn’t trying to kill myself.”  
“Oh really?” Her voice was thick with sarcasm.  
“Yeah. I just… I couldn’t sleep and… I…” She sighed, deeply.  
“And what the hell were you doing at Erin’s apartment, anyways?”  
Jillian looked down.  
“I couldn’t be home. I just… I needed her closer to me, Abby. I’m… I’m sorry.”  
Abby sighed.  
“Look, Holtz, I understand that it’s hard… Trust me, it’s hard for us all but you can’t just… You can’t just… just… kill yourself like that.”  
“I wasn’t trying to-”  
“I can’t know that!”   
“Abbs… I… I called you. Not the best way to kill oneself… And I have had some damn great inspiration.” The last words just slipped out.  
“What do you mean?”  
Holtzmann sealed her lips immediately. This wasn’t something she could talk about.   
“Holtzmann.”  
“Fine. Look, I found these... notes. From Erin’s drawer. They’re old. I know I shouldn’t have read them but I just… I needed to just… feel her closer to me. Or something… And I couldn’t sleep, so I did… They uh… They’re her…”  
The words felt strangling in her throat.  
“…goodbye letters.”  
“She kept them?”  
“Wait, you know about them?” The blonde was confused. Of course, Erin and Abby went way back but still…  
“’Course I knew. Kinda how we met, actually…”  
With each word she heard the blonde was more and more confused.  
Abby bit her lip.   
“Abby, what are you talking about?”  
She took a deep breath.   
“When I first met Erin… She was kind of lying on a park bench, bleeding. A lot. There was a lot of bleeding.” She winced at the image in her memory.  
  
The dots connected themselves in Holtzmann’s brain.   
The letter.   
The park.  
Someone had to find Erin.

“Thank you.” That was the only noise willing to leave her throat since she truly was so very thankful.   
Abby didn’t know how to respond. So instead, she changed the topic.  
“Well, getting a bit tired having to make sure my friends don’t die because they tried to kill themselves thing but you better be damn grateful saved your ass. Erin’s making progress.”

“What? Really?”

Holtz was suddenly hyped, discarding all of the negativity, all the new knowledge and the events of these two months.

“Yes, really. The doctor says she’ll probably wake up this week or the next one.”  
  
Holtzmann was stunned, amazed and at a complete loss of words. Her mouth was agape.  
“Pick your jaw up the floor, Holtz.”  
“Sorry.”  
The blonde was overflown with happiness for the first time in these past two months and she almost felt like her old self. Though a part of her knew she was never getting her old self back.

That’s the scary truth about pain. It changes us, permanently. But maybe that’s not a bad thing.

There were tears of happiness in the corners of her eyes as she whispered gently  
“She’s gonna be okay…”  
  
Her smile was bringing out her dimples and she did not care she could’ve died, she did not care she was in a hospital, couldn’t, wouldn’t care about the world ending right now as long as she knew Erin was going to be alright.   
She didn’t care about how deep she’d fallen and how much pain she’d been in and the fact there’d probably be more to come was completely and utterly insignificant to her.

Holtzmann wrapped her arms around Abby and they held each other tightly, sharing a moment of happiness after a time of darkness which may have only been two months but felt like years.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoiler alert? Maybe  
> I am not wrapping things up. This will progressively get a bit angstier than the end of this chapter and then, voila, the happy ending but there's gonna be 6-10 more chapters or so...   
> Maybe even more. 
> 
> Also, thank you to everyone who comments, I really love ya'll, you rock. Kudos and comments do make my day and I am quite a sad person


	10. Two months

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Erin wakes up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, again, not wrapping things up. Holtzmann is pretty fucked up and so is Erin and I shall lead you through the recovery, both of theirs and, of course, the beginning of their official lovestory (because, let us be honest, it begun when Erin first walked into that lab) so bare with me, my beloved nerd army, I love you guys so much for reading this.   
> Also chapter 10. Wowza.

  
_The first thing she heard was singing. The words were too difficult to make out at first but they became more and more clear as the song continued, the voice soothing and familiar, warm._   
_She knew that voice._

  
_The second thing she registered was beeping. Subtle, constant, always there, right next to her._  
  
_What came next was the same voice, again and again, not singing but speaking. At first the words all sounded like gibberish. Bit by bit they made a little more sense, they came to her with time._  
 _They were confusing and hazy, the felt distant, so very far away but she wanted to get there, wherever this far away was no matter what it took._  
 _She knew the speaker. She loved the speaker. There were no names, just smells and tunes that fit perfectly into the same puzzle with the voice._  
 _The talker was sad. She said she missed her. She asked her to come back._  
 _Erin did not know where she was supposed to go. But she wanted to._

_Next came the shuffling, voices of strangers talking in complicated terms she either didn’t know or couldn’t remember._

_There were other familiar voices too. Two of them. They weren’t as frequent as the first one, they didn’t feel as great but they both felt warm. They sounded like home and Erin wanted back. Where ever home was._

_Then there was loud beeping. So very loud. And for a while, everything faded to black again. When she heard the first voice after that she felt disappointed._   
_It did not belong to the woman who sang._

_But she did come. Eventually. Her voice was warmer, clearer than ever. Her touch was soft._   
_It was the first touch she felt and she longed for more._   
_That was when she first saw. It was but a glimpse since her eyes shut quickly, locking away from the outside world once again but it didn’t matter._

_She knew who the woman was. She knew her name too._  
  
_Jillian Holtzmann_

_And she knew how bad she longed to get back to Holtz._  
  
_That time was the hardest. Keeping her eyes open just for a second was painful. Light was painful._  
 _The sounds were loud and clear now._

_Sometimes she opened her eyes and her entire body was paralyzed with panic. She kicked and tried to scream, failing at that, of course._

_Sometimes she felt her touch. And sometimes she tried to touch back. Anything was enough. A gentle squeeze, a brief twitch or tug._

_She felt as if she was drifting in and out of reality for years, the time in reality being only days._  
  
_Sometimes she’d manage to say a single word or a phrase. But it was all just build up._

  
_“Hi.”_  
 _“Erin! Erin, hey, look who’s awake…”_  
 _She swallowed, glancing around._  
 _“Where am I?”_  
  
_And Holtz’s face lit up. Because Erin was talking. Actually talking, not just single words, not just twitching and staring, talking._

“Oh…. uhm… Well, see, you’re at the hospital-“  
“What happened to your eye?”  
“Oh, um, you kinda took a swing at me cause you were freaking out and all, got a heck of a right hook there, Gilbert.”  
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry Holtz.”  
“It’d fine, Ez. The important thing is, you’re awake.” She bit her lip at that sentence, fighting back tears of happiness.   
“Erin you were in a coma.”  
  
The words hit like a ton of bricks.

“What?”  
Her voice was raspy, croaky. She shook her head in disbelief.  
“How long?”  
Holtz looked down.   
“Two months. But you’re okay now. Scared us there, Gilbert, we thought we were gonna lose ya…” The smile on her lips was a bit sad but the tears pricking in the corners of her eyes were formed from pure happiness.  
Erin took a long, deep breath.   
“How did… How did I…?”  
“Car accident.”  
Holtzmann nodded.  
“But the doctors say you’ll make a full recovery...”  
A pause.  
“…in time.”  
She added.   
“But you got all of our support, I promise. Me and Abby and Patty, we’re all here for you.”

The flood of new information was overwhelming to Erin and she really wanted to sleep but the mere thought scared get now.

_Two months._

The words were spinning around inside her head and the room was spinning outside of it and the only thing left grounding her was Jillian’s voice.

“Erin. Hey, Erin, you okay?”   
Holtz instinctively took the other woman’s arm and Erin accepted the soothing touch without protest.

The words took a little while to process and when they did, she struggled to find an answer.   
  
“Yeah…” She said, voice close to a whisper. She shook her head.   
“I mean… I don’t know. I…”  
The last word she only whispered, it left her lips like a single breath and she felt like she was going to cry.

Holtzmann placed the back of her hand against Erin’s cheek and stroked gently.   
“It’s okay… It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay, Erin. I know this is a lot to take in and all but it’s going to be okay. You’ll be okay.”  
She paused.  
“Do you want me to call Abby and Patty? They’d be here in half a moment.”

Erin’s mind was rushing at 100Mph but Holtz’s cold hand against her cold face was comforting, bringing her back to Earth. Did she want Holtz to call Abby and Patty? She was a mess but they’d probably want to see her.

_Two months._

“Yes. Yes, call them.” When Holtz pulled her hand back and started to stand she blurted out  
“But don’t leave. Please don’t go away.” Her throat was sore and there was clump in her throat, her eyes begging and desperate, panicked and asking and sad.   
  
Holtzmann sat back down and smiled, sadly. As if she could possibly leave. The thought was almost ridiculous, in quite a sad way.  
  
_Never._

She thought.

_I’m never going to leave you, Gilbert. I love you._  
  
She couldn’t bring herself to say it but the look in her eyes made words completely unnecessary.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, kudos, thank you so much for leaving them, it's so bloody amazing of you, I seriously cannot thank you enough for the feedback.   
> Whenever I find something in my inbox I become an exited puppy and guys, I swear, I'm not very easily exited. Or happy but your comments make me day


	11. Slow days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Erin realizes things might've gotten a bit fucked up in the last two months

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this slightly feels like filler and I gotta be honest with ya'll, it slightly is, buuuut I don't think filler is all bad cause it's just leading to something great (or hopefully great, I really hope ya'll enjoy my writing cause I gotta tell ya, I am hella insecure)

_Erin had never liked hospitals._

_She had only had bad experiences with them, only bad memories.  
Though, did anyone really have too many good memories from hospitals? People come to die there often enough._

She woke up, panic rushing through her veins. Her breathing ragged, completely uneven. Soon enough though, she realized, the breaths did not belong to herself but Holtzmann, whimpering, curled up on the two chairs next to the window, appearing asleep but definitely not calm. Her brow was furrowed and she was twisting and turning, almost sobbing, her features decorated with an expression of pain.

Erin was too far to reach the other woman. She considered attempting to make it, however feeling the pain rush through her veins, enough to make her almost scream in pain after only trying to lift one leg, she gave up on that.

Holtzmann looked so vulnerable like that.  
_Fragile._  
Erin felt stuck in the bed and it was making her anxious, her heart speeding up. 

“Holtzmann.” She yelled.  
Loud enough to wake Jillian up. And loud enough for Abby to hear who rushed through the door, sending a questioning look to first Erin, then Holtzmann.

“What’s going on?” 

Holtz’s expression grew concerned as her eyes fixated on Erin, asking.  
“Something wrong? Pain, where?”  
She stood up and took the two steps that were separating her from Erin a moment ago. 

Something was wrong however ironically, it wasn’t the woman in the hospital bed that something was wrong with. So Erin shook her head.  
“No, it’s fine.”  
And made a mental note to have a serious chat with Jillian later. 

She just hoped she’d remember it. The doctor said that impermanent memory loss is normal. Erin hoped so.

It had been hard to remember these days. Remember and stay awake, which was a rather new situation to Erin who was rather sure she had quite severe insomnia. Or at least had had. 

But she was trying, hard. It was a confusing time, scary, even. Every day was a struggle. 

At least she was on enough painkillers however she knew that, sooner or later, she’d have to face the physical damage these past months had caused her. 

But now, something was telling her that maybe she wasn’t the only one damaged by this. 

“Erin, you still there? Hey.” Abby snapped her fingers, pulling Erin out of her thoughts.  
“Wha- Yeah… Yeah.” She shook her head. 

_I have got to stop zoning out like that._

“So everything’s cool?”  
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She sent a rather questioning look to Holtz and wondered if the slight panic filling the other woman’s eyes was simply something planted there by her own imagination or all too real.   
“Alright… Well, you call if you need anything, okay?” Abby smiled her warmest smile and Erin was so thankful to have her as a friend.   
She nodded.

After Abby shut the door, Erin turned to face Holtzmann, her eyes full of concern and question. 

The engineer was facing out the window, hiding her still shaking hands and the fact she was biting into her bottom lip so hard her mouth was starting to fill with the metallic taste of blood. 

Erin didn’t know how to start. So she let Jillian stand there, in complete silence for a short while. Of course, she realized that was not a solution. So, she swallowed and let out the only word that sounded right.

“Holtz…” She took a moment to pause, figure out how to word the question.   
“What happened?” It wasn’t clear enough, specific enough but Erin’s mind was tired and coming up with the proper question took effort.

“What… What do you mean?” Holtzmann didn’t turn around, her eyes glued to the glass and the white frame around it. 

“You were… You looked so…” 

_Panicked. Stressed. Scared. Vulnerable._

“Freaked out…” 

_Really, Gilbert? Freaked out, good choice of words there, you idiot._

“I did?” Of course she did and she knew it. But she wasn’t ready to talk about it. Not yet. Because if she had to talk about this and if she had to talk about the nightmares and if she had to talk about the nightmares she would have to talk about… everything. Everything that had happened and Holtzmann was not ready for that yet. And she also didn’t want Erin to feel guilty, not to mention she loved the damn woman and couldn’t tell her because then she might lose her and Holtzmann knew very well she could not live without Erin. 

Everything was just too much in that moment. She took a deep breath. She wasn’t going to lie. Not to Erin.

“I… I’m not ready to talk about it. Don’t worry about it, Ez, it’s nothing.” 

Erin surprised Holtz. 

“Well, it’s quite clearly not nothing but if you need time… what I’m trying to say is, I want you to talk to me but… You can… take your time.” She concluded, looking down. 

“Thank you.” It was genuine. Holtz didn’t want to think about the day she had to finally have this talk with Erin but she was glad she had time, she was glad Erin gave her time. 

Erin smiled. 

She was worried for Holtzmann and quite concerned that this was mostly linked to her. Yet everything was a bit much right now. 

She had missed two months of her life. But not only her own life. Those two months had been rough on everyone, as Abby said, but the Holtzmann had lived through it the worst. When Erin asked about it, Abby had said it wasn’t her story to tell. 

And there she was, staring out of the window, blonde hair messy but beautiful. She hadn’t left the hospital since Erin woke up. When visiting hours ended, the woman always looked panicked. She had circles under her eyes and Erin was quite convinced the engineer only slept those few hours of the day she spent curled up in that chair. 

It wasn’t just that. She was lucky, she kept telling herself. No serious brain damage, minor short term memory loss, yes, but nothing beyond repair. The physical part however was going to be tough on her. Laying still for months had made her lose more weight than she had in her life and her muscles were left weak from it, not to mention, the damage caused by the crash. 

These days, _the slow days_ , as Patty called them, things often became too much for her and when they did… she slept. 

Because that was all she _could_ do. And that was what she did now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, kudos, comments as always, ya know they make me wanna hug and kiss ya'll (and that says a lot since I am an Introvert with a capital I) and stay tuned for more, I'm experiencing a bit of a writer's block right now (read: my imaginary friends are refusing to talk to me) but know I am trying really hard


	12. Fix each other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty, soooo, it is 04:33am, guess who skipped sleep because of insomnia again... it's this guy *points at self*  
> So, I did skip a little bit of time there but yeah, I hope you like it, I really do and comments and kudos are to my writing what coffee is to my life (if you are unaware, I basically run on coffee... I think it's in my veins instead of blood)

Jillian was pacing back and forth in the hospital hallway. She had not slept for nights… nights had turned into weeks... the only sleep she did get was right next to Erin, aware the woman was safe and sound. She knew it wasn’t enough, 3 or 4 hours a day but being separated from Erin made it impossible to sleep, impossible to remain calm.

So there she was, wearing out the hospital floor in the middle of the night.

Erin was going to be released soon. Released on one condition. Someone had to live with her for the following weeks, maybe months since Erin was clearly not in the physical condition to take care of herself. She’d gotten a lot better, yes, but every day actions like cooking and cleaning would be far too much for her. The woman could barely walk. Holtzmann had already made up her mind it was going to be her.

She was nervous, however, on how to bring it up with Erin, how to convince her. She was scared. She was terrified that Erin would say no.

It was 3:52AM and the engineer was exhausted, sleep deprivation of weeks starting to catch up with her.

But she couldn’t sleep without knowing Erin was safe, next to her. She felt tears pricking at her eyes but she swallowed and wiped them away. With a shaking hand she touched the door handle.

She looked down, hesitating. Eventually, after standing for what could’ve been minutes, she pressed down on the handle and the door opened.

Holtz was surprised to find Erin not asleep but sitting up slightly, in a position that couldn’t’ve been comfortable, even for a person in perfect health. She was looking out the window.

The view was calming, raindrops covering the window, the bright orange glow of the streetlights reflecting in them, illuminating them. The streets were busy even though it was the middle of the night.

Erin turned her head to look at Holtzmann. Jillian didn’t know if the tears decorating the corners of Erin’s eyes were really there or simply a pigment of her own imagination.  
  
“Hey.” Her voice was soft and warm, contrasting the chilly weather outside, the coldness of the rainwater. It was calming and Holtzmann bit her tongue as the thought of never hearing it again creeped up on her from the back of her mind.

“Hey.” Erin smiled at her, sadly.   
Unfortunately, as most drugs wore off and the fatigue faded, her insomnia had come right back.

Apparently, Holtzmann was no better.  
  
And so, for a moment she stood there, blond hair fallen out of her signature do long ago, lone strands of hair framing her face perfectly as they were, light shining back from them, a bright part of an otherwise dark figure and in that moment of comfortable silence Erin was certain she had never seen a creature that beautiful. The blue eyes were captivating oceans for her and oh how easy it was to get lost in them. She loved getting lost in them. They felt like home.   
  
“Can’t sleep?”  
“Nope.”   
Holtzmann said, popping the P.   
  
Erin smiled, bitterly.

“Me neither.” She looked out the window again.   
“It’s calming, isn’t it… There’s always life out there.”  
  
She let her eyes wonder to the floor and patted the chair next to her.   
  
“Come, sit.” Holtzmann did as she was asked. She didn’t know what to say and if she did say anything she was afraid her voice was going to break and the tears would start rolling.

She swallowed hard and took a deep breath.   
  
“I… I can’t calm down there. I need to know you’re okay.” She looked up at Erin and hoped the drops forming in her eyes weren’t visible. They were, but Erin didn’t mind them.

There she was, Jillian Holtzmann, so beautiful, so vulnerable, right in front of her. She loved her. But she couldn’t say it. There was no way on Earth Holtzmann felt the same way, she told herself.

So she took her hand and grazed her thumb over it.  
  
_Just like I did._  
Jillian thought.

“Just close your eyes. I’m here and I’m okay.”   
Perhaps Holtz wouldn’t have complied if she wasn’t so sleep deprived and tired and it maybe… _definitely_ had something to do with the fact the woman asking was Erin but she did. She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the wall, hand still in Erin’s, tears still in her eyes, drying now.

“Thank you for singing.” It was but a whisper before Erin pressed a kiss to Jillian’s forehead, Jillian, who she hoped had fallen asleep, losing the furrow in her brow, her expression finally becoming calm.   
  
She didn’t know how, but that night Erin fell asleep quite easily, quite fast, right next to Holtzmann and she slept until the sun woke them both.

They were both quite broken, Erin realized.

_But that’s our dynamic._

_We fix each other._

_We’ll fix each other again._

_This time and next time, until we are not that broken anymore._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, of course, comments, kudos, they inspire me so much and I do have the loveliest, sweetest readers, you guys are the best :)


	13. Bittersweet sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Holtzmann and Erin sleep together. Literally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaaaat, me updating frequently, hell has truly frozen over. Well, I am dedicating tonight to writing do I might actually upload 2 (or even more, I got the whole night, baby) chapters tonight (because who needs sleep, right? Not writers)

“Good morning.” Erin muttered with a pleased grin. There was blonde hair in her face and it was surprisingly soft.  
  
Jillian woke with a halt, momentarily confused, looking around with sleep in her eyes. She looked down at Erin and smiled.

“Oh, hi. I mean, good morning.”  
  
Erin giggled as Holtz gently hither head against the wall, chuckling softly.

She stood up and pain shot through her back. She couldn’t help letting out a groan.

“Ya know, we can share the bed next time. I don’t think sleeping in a chair is too…”  
She paused as Jillian stretched, the shirt sliding up, exposing a strip of skin. Erin couldn’t explain why but she felt the need to run her fingers across it, mapping Holtzmann with her fingers. She wanted to feel the woman close to herself, she wanted to listen to her breathing again and again, to capture her lips with her own.

She gulped and shook her head.

“…healthy. For your back.” She let out a nervous laugh. If Holtzmann noticed her being flustered she didn’t mention it.

That’s when the words struck the woman.

“So… Uh, you mean I can… ya know, sleep here?” She looked… lost. Hopeful but scared.

Erin nodded.

“Yeah.” She wasn’t going to mention that this was partly for Holtz but also for herself. Apparently, neither of them couldn’t sleep without the presence of the other.

_This is your moment to bring it up._  
Jillian thought.

She cleared her throat.

“Also hey… Look, I was thinking about… things. So um… Yeah, someone has to live with you for a while, yeah? Mhm… So I thought that could be me. If you’re okay with it.” She rushed the last part.

Erin smiled, even though Holtzmann could swear behind the excitement in her soft sky blue eyes was shadowed ever so slightly with disappointment.

_Oh course she wasn’t going to say that Erin, what were you even thinking, she obviously doesn’t feel that way. Why am I like this?_

“I’d love that. I mean, I think that’s… that’s a good idea.” She pressed her lips together and smiled at the engineer standing in front of her.

“But you should probably get out now.” She laughed.  
“The nurse is going to kick my ass, and yours, if she finds out I’m having sleepovers here.” She laughed softly and Holtzmann found it to be the most beautiful sound in the world as she laughed along and hurried outside, blowing a kiss at the door, making Erin’s cheeks adapt a familiar red-pink glow.

  
She fell against the wall against the wall, letting out a soft breath of relief and content.  
  
She was in love. And most of the time it hurt in the very best way possible but right now it felt like butterflies fluttering and flowers blooming in her lungs and at the back of her throat and the world finally had enough air to breathe.  
  
  
\---------------------------------------------------

That night, Jillian snuck back into Erin’s hospital room. And Erin greeted her with a smile, moving slightly closer to the edge of the bed to make room for Holtz.  
  
“It’s not much but better than the chairs.”

Holtz laughed. She wasn’t one to be picky about sleeping spots. She had trouble sleeping, sure, but the spot did not matter. It could be a chair, the desk, the floor or the bath, it really made no difference, if she was tired enough… or, had been, that was before the accident… she could sleep. And sleep she would and Erin was always the one to lay blankets on her and sneak pillows under her head.

Oddly enough, the bed wasn’t too small. It felt comfortable, sharing the space. Erin intertwined their fingers and Holtzmann didn’t ask. It felt nice. It felt like home and it felt safe and she slept. And so did Erin.

They fell, listening to each other’s breathing, calmed by the presence and the smell of each other. Eventually, their breathing aligned, their chests rose and fell together and that moment was their. It would always belong to them and only them and they would always share it.

After nights of sleep deprivation, sleep was welcome and sweet.

Holtz made sure to keep a distance from Erin’s left foot, of course, that was damaged the worst, any contact would put Erin is extreme pain so Holtz made sure to be extremely careful.

  
\---------------------------------------------------

  
This habit continued for a few nights. Holtzmann would sneak in after briefly hesitating at the door, each time for a smaller time unit and Erin would look at her and smile.

Sometimes they talked and sometimes they didn’t, sometimes, no words were needed.  
  
And like that, side by side, they would fall asleep and wake up. Erin was always up first, the moment the first ray of sunshine touched her features she opened her eyes and she had developed a habit of looking at Holtzmann, looking almost magical like that, light shining back from her blonde curls, her expression calm, eyelashes leaving beautiful shadows under her eyes and Erin would simply admire her for a while before waking her with soft, murmured hellos and good mornings.

She liked watching the sunrays dance on Jillian’s cheeks. It was one of the most beautiful things she had seen in her life.

Until one night, Holtzmann woke, screaming, hyperventilating, next to Erin.

 

“I thought you were… I thought you were…” She swallowed, tears staining her eyes, panic written all over her expression as Erin sat up.  
  
“It’s okay. Shh, I’m okay, Holtz, I’m okay. I’m here, look at me.” She took Jillian’s hand and her eyes followed it from her lap to Erin’s face.  
  
She let her fingers brush over Erin’s cheek, assuring herself that she was really there, really okay and alive and safe.

It hurt to see Holtzmann like that, breaths raspy, out of control as was the blonde herself, in the dead of the night, she was sobbing uncontrollably, unable to calm down.  
  
“I… I… I thought I lost you.” She paused to sniff.  
“It felt so real, Erin. You were dead and I was all alone and… and you said I had lost you. Forever. Really. And you were in that field again and you were running away from me again and… and I couldn’t catch you and then you dropped to the ground and…” She let out another row of sobs and ragged breaths, her hands trembling, her bottom lip shaking slightly, shivers traveled down her back as Erin the back of her hand across Jillian’s cheek, wiping away the stray tears.

“It’s okay. I’m okay, I’m right here, Holtz. And I’m not going anywhere. She pulled the shaking woman into a tight hug even though it hurt, the pressure on her cracked ribs.

The sobs wrecked Holtzmann’s body in her arms and they lulled her to sleep, along with Erin humming a tune all too familiar.

_You are my sunshine._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, Kudos, they're like my personal drug, seriously, ya'll leaving comments, I will send a fully armed battalion... to remind you of my love. Kidding, but yeah, really, you are so great guys (sorry, I'm listening to Hamilton soundtrack while writing the notes, I couldn't resist the reference)


	14. The beginning of something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Holtz opens up a bit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so, heads up, the notes on this one will be a bit mumbo-jumbo-ish since I am a sleep deprived potato chip, trying her very best... okay, yeah, I don't have much to say, but yah, um, enjoy and all hail the dorito god. I am on a roll tonight. A sushi roll. What the fuck am I saying?   
> Oh and I call Abby Abbs intentionally, it's not a typo just something that stuck from the NCIS Abby

  
Somehow, Patty had managed to convince Holtzmann to go home, shower and change.

So now it was just her and Erin in the room. Abby was at a meeting with the major. They had to tell the press something soon enough and it better be good.

“How you holdin’ up, baby?”   
  
Erin smiled.

“As good as possible, I guess… I’m more worried about Holtzmann, actually.” She chuckled.

The physicist glanced at the floor. She had to tell someone or she was going to literally blow up.

“Can I tell you something, Patty? Like… girl talk, I guess. Basically, I need to know you won’t tell Holtz.”  
She paused.  
“Please?”

“Totally. What’s botherin’ you, girl?”

Erin took a deep breath.

“I-think-I’m-in-love-with-Holtzmann.”  
  
The words came out in such a rush Patty needed a moment to realize it was a sentence not just a really long word.   
  
Erin let out a deep sigh and looked down. Patty catches her by surprise.  
“Congratulations, you are officially the last to know… Counting out Holtzy.”  
“Is it that obvious? Oh god… But you can’t tell Holtzmann, okay?”  
Patty raises her arms in surrender.  
“I ain’t tellin’ her. But girl, you should, what the worst that could happen?”  
“She could hear me!”

  
\---------------------------------------------------

Holtzmann returned with a fresh set of clothes, all of which looked chaotic and random but were actually very well planned out and looked oddly aesthetically pleasing. Erin loved that part of Holtzmann.

Her hair smelled like hand soap that night when she sat next to Erin on her bed.

“Are you sure about this? I… I’m sorry about last night and I can’t guarantee it won’t happen again.”  
“Yeah, it’s fine, Jillian. But it would help if you talked about it.”  
Holtzmann lowered her head and not just at Erin calling her Jillian. She was officially the only person allowed to do that. But she wanted to talk about the nightmares. Yet she wasn’t ready to talk about anything else.  
  
She nodded and sighed, deeply.  
“I will talk but… Don’t make me answer any questions… Okay? I’m just… not ready. I’m sorry.”  
Erin took Holtz’s hand in her own, a gesture that had become their thing these past weeks.   
“Hey, it’s okay, I understand, no need to apologize. I just want you to know I’m here and I want to help.” The physicist smiled softly, lifting Holtzmann’s chin, making her look at her. Their lips were so close to each other, and Erin was trying to ignore that thought. So was Holtz.

Holtz chuckled.

“Ironic, isn’t it?”  
Erin was caught confused.  
“What is?”  
“This whole situation, with _you_ in the hospital bed, helping _me_.”  
Erin giggled. It really was but it was irony she was willing to gladly embrace as long as Holtz was okay. Heck, she’d die for the woman… Though, looking back at that thought, that might not be the wisest idea.

“Well… The nightmares. Ah, the nightmares, sweet, sweet nightmares. They started a while ago, soon after the crash, that was when Abbs and Patty actually forced me to sleep…”  
Erin opened her mouth to say something but closed it again.

_Another time._   
_When she’s ready._

And Holtzmann was thankful she did, thankful for the words left unsaid, questions left unasked. She knew she had to answer them all someday. But today was not that day.  
She continued.

“They only got worse. They’re… different, always, but the main line is… You’re always dying. And I have no way of getting to you, no way of helping you and then you’re dead and I wake up, gasping for air.”  
She paused to take a breath.  
“They’ve become less frequent as of late, since you woke up, but they’re still there. Sometimes, I don’t wake up and they torture me all through the night. And yes, they hurt and they hurt a lot but I don’t want them to hurt you.”

_Because I love you._

She wanted to add. She didn’t.

Erin was at a loss of words. It was clear a lot was left unsaid, probably most of what had happened when she was out but a lot of truth had just been spilled right in front of her.  
It was Holtzmann like Erin had never seen her. Sometimes, a very small part of her was glad she’d been in the accident, since it had exposed her to so many new sides of Jillian but then she’d always glance at the woman next to her and it’d die out so very quickly, she could barely blink an eye.   
  
Nothing, literally nothing in the world was worth hurting Holtzmann. She wanted to protect her at any cost. She wanted her to be okay more than anyone.

Yet even though painful it was still a beautiful, magnificent sight, watching Holtzmann come undone in front of her. She was completely lost for words but words weren’t needed and they both knew it. Not in that moment.

It was a gentle yet firm squeeze on Holtz’s hand, a soft, sad smile, a hand caressing her cheek and a soft kiss planted on the top her forehead, followed by a comforting hug. Erin didn’t mind the pain in her ribs. She never did when hugging Holtzmann.

She’d endure any pain in the world for Holtz and she knew it.

So they sat there, sharing a hug in the middle of the night until at some point, Holtz crawled into the bed next to Erin and they let themselves be lulled to sleep by the other’s breathing again.  
  
Holtzmann slept calmly that night. Without nightmares.

Erin appeared calm also. Her nightmares always appeared calm. Flashbacks of the crash haunted her, yet she refused to admit it.

_I am fine._

She assured herself.

_And even if I wasn’t... I don’t matter. She does._  
  
She smiled at the thought of Holtzmann smiling. That night, she dreamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, Kudos, I am sleep deprived, this was supposed to be a poem, but my brain doesn't work anymore  
> Ya'll know how comments and Kudos keep me alive so yah


	15. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Erin is released from the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, writer's block is back, fuck.  
> Secondly, I think this may turn out around 20-25 chapters which is more than I planned when I started this but yeah, cool beans.

It was the night before Erin’s hospital release and the world seemed quiet and calm, the exact opposite of the mind of Jillian Holtzmann.

_She knew this place._

_And it terrified her only by its nature however she could not remember why._

_It was dark and the grass was wet, touching her bare feet as she wondered around the park._  
  
_Then she spotted it, right in the middle of the entire thing. A bench. And a familiar silhouette on top of it, becoming more and more horrifyingly familiar as the blonde wandered closer. She couldn’t help it, something was pulling her towards the woman._  
  
_In the dark of the night, a light was flicked on, hovering right across the sleeping woman._

_No. She wasn’t sleeping. And she wasn’t just a woman as the light illuminated her features, the familiar brown hair that smelled like cheap fruit shampoo, she knew very well who the woman was._  
  
_Jillian let out a desperate cry._  
 _“Erin!”_  
 _But she had been too late. Erin was surrounded by, lying in her own dried blood, wrists sliced open in the most gruesome way possible, a bloody note lying next to her, her features freakishly at peace. Calm._

_“No… No, no, no, no, no… No!” Tears were running down the engineer’s face as she was taken over by sobs, picking up Erin’s limp body, holding her dead form in her arms, falling to her knees._

_Rain had started to pour and Holtz let it run down her face along with the tears as she screamed to the night, to the sky and the stars and the universe, she cried for the oceans to hear. She didn’t care who saw, who heard, the woman she loved was dead in her arms, her arms were coated with the blood of the one she loved most and she cried, loud. She screamed and kicked and tasted blood on her lips._

_“Holtz! Holtzmann, hey…_ Jillian. Wake up. Oh my god, please wake up, Holtz I’m… I’m begging you, please wake up.”

Holtzmann opened her eyes in fear, panic filling her sea blue orbs as she looked at Erin, taking in each of her features, trying to assure herself Erin was really here and not just another hallucination, a cruel trick played by her own mind, but real and alive and safe.  
  
“I… I… You were... at the park and… and then you were dead and there was blood everywhere and-” She couldn’t physically stop crying and she felt so stupid for it.

That caught Erin off guard. Parks and blood were not by far an unfamiliar concept to her. But Holtzmann couldn’t know that.  
  
Snapping out of her daze she realized she didn’t care right now. She would care later but right now all she cared about the crying woman next to her. Holtzmann seemed so small like this.

She made broken look beautiful.  
  
And Erin didn’t care for anything else. She wanted to fix her.

\---------------------------------------------------

  
  
The day of Erin’s release was not as calm as expected.

11:24AM

“Holtz, the wheelchair is not necessary, I can walk on my own.”  
“First of all, Erin you can take ten steps without falling and I really am beyond impressed at that but you cannot possibly walk all the way to the car, your right leg can literally handle zero pressure right now, just sit in the damn wheelchair, Gilbert.”   
“You’d probably push me into a wall if I did, anyways.”   
Holtzmann shook her head.  
“What? Erin, where would you even get that idea, just get in the damn chair so we can get out of here.”  
She wouldn’t admit it but Erin was uncomfortable with the idea of being so helpless. Very uncomfortable.  
“Fine.”

11:46AM

“Finally! What on Earth took you so long?”  
“Erin wouldn’t get in the-” Holtzmann froze.

The Ecto-1 was standing in front of them.   
Erin. In a car.

“No!”  
“Holtz, what-”  
“Erin, no, please don’t, don’t, I can’t lose you again…” Her mind was foggy and flooded with panic and she was unable to think clearly. There wasn’t enough air in the world around her to breathe properly.

“Holtzmann, look at me. What is…” She glanced at the car.   
“Oh…”

12.06PM

Holtzmann had barely let Erin in the car, after long convincing and reassuring. She had her hand in Erin’s, who was squeezing back as tight as Holtz. Erin’s eyes were squeezed shut and she sat completely still and straight.  
  
Holtzmann on the other hand was trying really heard to breathe. And looking around frantically, her eyes travelled from the road to Erin and back, sweating nervously.

When they arrived in front of Erin’s apartment building, both let out a sigh of relief. Holtzmann apologized and Erin simply nodded.

After a while of riddling and puzzled expressions, instead of Erin walking up the stairs Holtzmann simply carefully picked her up, bridal style and carried her three stories upwards, despite Erin’s purely verbal protests. She didn’t mind it, actually, it was even nice but it was a trained habit to protest anything that may appear odd to someone and this definitely did.

Abby leaves them to settle in.

Opening her door, Erin is greeted with a familiar scent that doesn’t belong to herself. She ventures into the place to discover several items that definitely belonged to Jillian blended in perfectly with her own.

_Did she…?_

She didn’t say anything.

_She will talk when she is ready._  
  
Holtzmann’s face felt hot. She had completely forgotten, though she knew she’d have to talk about this eventually.   
  
What Erin spotted next made everything inside of her break. It was an almost empty bottle of sleeping pills, next to an empty bottle of what Erin assumed was alcohol.   
  
Jillian swallowed hard at the sight.

“I didn’t try to kill myself, Erin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN
> 
> I think you can guess what I'm gonna write next.  
> *insert witty joke about how much Comments and Kudos mean to me*   
> No but seriously, every time I see there's something in my inbox I get so exited and I live on feedback so thanks so much to those of you who leave it♡


	16. The time for honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Holtzmann tells her story... or at least part of it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was made possible by wonderful depressive music

They stood, face to face, getting lost in each other’s eyes, the space between them a battlefield and neither dared disturb the silence.   
  
Erin’s breathing was heavy, her hand gripping the empty bottle of sleeping pills so tight her knuckles were turning white, whiter than Holtzmann’s face.   
  
Her voice felt broken. Her bones were broken. Her heart felt the most broken of them all, even though Erin knew the heart didn’t feel and any and all emotion was produced in her brain her heart still hurt, a tightness in her chest, crushing her heart, making it hard to breathe.

They were frozen still and Erin looked for answers in Holtzmann’s pained expression.

“You asked for time. And I have given you just that. But I have to know… Holtzmann, I have to know what happened.”

Jillian swallowed, a tightness at the back of her throat, making her voice hoarse. She lowered her eyes to the ground and licked her lips mindlessly, then bit into the bottom one. She was gripping her left arm with her right hand.  
  
“Erin, I did not… I didn’t try to kill myself. I promise.”

Erin sighed, her features painted with pain and love, her eyes soft but tears were starting to gather in their corners.

“What did you do then? Holtz… Jillian. I need answers.” Her voice was breaking along with everything inside of her.   
  
What had she done to Holtzmann?   
The Jillian Holtzmann.  
Always smiling Jillian Holtzmann.  
Absolute genius Jillian Holtzmann.  
Always joking Jillian Holtzmann.  
Jillian Holtzmann with the pick up lines and the incredibly beautiful madness.

Completely broken right in front of her eyes, fallen apart Jillian Holtzmann, all because of her.

_What have I done?_

Guilt felt like it was crushing her chest and in that moment the room felt like it was spinning, both women breathing heavy, staring into each other’s eyes and right through them at the same time.

“Talk to me. Please.”  
  
The air that separates them is too much for the physicist to handle. The words unsaid were too much and the stars in Holtzmann’s eyes were too much and the lack of life in them was too much and Erin was crying, the tears silently rolling down her cheeks, adding a glow as the light reflected in them, adding a sad sparkle to Erin’s eyes.

“I’m sorry.” That was all Holtz could say and it was all she did say.

They didn’t have to speak to take the steps that were separating them, in perfect unison and collapsing into each other’s arms.

“I just… I can’t even handle the thought of losing you and then… you were gone. And I didn’t know if you’d ever come back. And that…” A desperate chuckle escaped her lips “…that was too much to handle. Far too much.”

Erin was genuinely surprised. She was used to no one caring about her.

Holtzmann continued.

“And not a day passes without me being afraid of losing you again. I’m scared, terrified that this is just another cruel dream, a hallucination created by my own mind torture me.”

Erin, hands still wrapped around Holtz, pulled back to look at her.

“Look at me, Holtzmann. I’m real. And I’m her, with you and I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”  
And she was right. She was real and Holtzmann could feel it like that, she knew it like that, the softness of Erin’s fingers brushing against her arms, her breath warm on Holtz’s neck as she hugged her, the blue of her eyes more real than ever. And like this, Jillian felt safe.

“Okay… I will… talk.” She swallowed. “But give me a moment. We can sit down and I’ll make some tea and then I’ll talk.”  
  
A sad smile tugged in the corners of Erin’s lips.

“Okay.”

  
Jillian Holtzmann was made of flesh and skin, made of the same chemical elements as everyone else and yet to Erin she felt like so much more, galaxies gathered up her, the stars along with the rest of the universe visible in her eyes, the ocean flowed in them and the winds blew. Holtzmann wasn’t made of metaphors and Erin knee that yet it was the only way she was able to come anywhere close to explaining the magnificent being that Jillian was, she was well aware that love was simply a chemical reaction in her brain yet it felt like so much more.

Holtzmann was a whole by herself but that whole had been cracked into pieces and Erin blamed herself in that.

And yet, even when the woman was crying she was still the most beautiful thing Erin had ever seen.

  
Holtzmann handed Erin a steaming cup and sat down, facing her, fingers wrapped tightly around her own mug which was burning her fingers a bit but she didn’t mind.

“Where do I start?”  
“The beginning.”  
Holtz nodded.

“Well… It all started the first time I heard. Abby took the call, she was the one who told me and she drove us to the hospital. You… you looked so… broken.” She gestured with her hand.   
“You were hooked up to all these tubes and machines and there was a constant beeping and your entire body was covered in bandages. And it was… rather painful… to see.” She licked her lips.  
“And then… Well, I stayed at the hospital with you for a while. 11 days, to be exact. Until Abby forced me to go home… She made the right call. I… I… I didn’t sleep. Any of those days. I just didn’t sleep. So, at one point, I collapsed on the floor. I’m honestly surprised I made it that long.” She chuckled bitterly.

“Holtzmann, why would you-“  
“Can we do the questions later? Because if I stop now I won’t be able to finish.”   
Her voice was shaking and so was she.  
Erin nodded.  
  
“Well, then I woke up at my place. But I couldn’t be there. I just… I couldn’t. It was all just too much. It hurt. So, I… I didn’t think. And then I came here.”  
  
Erin was dumbfounded at the new information. She never thought Holtz cared that much. That anyone did. It was sweet in the most heartbreaking manner possible.

“So, the days I spent with you, at the hospital, a few hours at the HQ, the mayor pressuring us and all. I took over your desk. I couldn’t stand staring at the empty spot, imagining you sitting there and smiling and getting lost in your calculations and… Yeah… Anyways, at night I’d come back here. And sleeping was… tough. I couldn’t get past a night without nightmares and I couldn’t fall asleep without the pills, the damn things… And then one night, I couldn’t sleep, at all, and I was so tired and so sick of the nightmares and the pills weren’t helping. So I just… kept taking them. And then I felt sick. So I called Abby. And I asked for help, for he first time. I woke up at the hospital.”  
  
She sighed, deeply. There was much more to say but for now this felt like a giant weight off her chest that came right back in the form of anticipation of Erin’s response.

For a moment, Erin just stared at her in awe. Her eyes filled with tears. Her voice croaky.

“I’m sorry. Holtz, I am so sorry.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos seriously do make me inspired and they mean so much and I'm sorry, you're probably tired of reading this haha but it is true. Even a short sentence means so much to me


	17. Streetlight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Erin wants answers and everyone feels really guily about everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My lovelies, I believe this will be around 25 chapters or even over... In the beginning I thought this might turn out to be a 10 chapter fic haha, I hope ya'll are enjoying the ride

The new information needed processing and Erin needed air.

So she sat on her small balcony, eyes boring holes into the lamp right across the street. It was getting cold outside so Holtzmann had insisted on wrapping her in a blanket.

She hadn’t had to ask for time, Holtzmann had read the need for it in her features. This was Erin’s way of processing things: alone. Usually she talked to herself but today she wasn’t alone enough to practice that habit.

She sipped from the warm mug in her hands. The tea was getting cold.

 _This is my fault. I broke Holtzmann. Why do you always hurt everyone you love, Gilbert? You’re not even supposed to love her… As a friend, sure, but you weren’t supposed to love her like this._  
_I didn’t even think she cared that much. Life is easier when no one cares… You can just die and no one gives a shit._  
  
Her brow furrowed at the following thought.

 _Park bench… She… She didn’t read my notes, right? I mean, she lived here. Which is concerning. Why do I always end up hurting people? Damn it._  
_Why would she even read them? How would she find them… theoretically I mean. How would’ve she found them?_  
_Did she read all of them?_

The anxiety was creeping up on her. She didn’t want anyone that was in her life now, anyone that cared about her to read them. She didn’t want anyone to read them at all. She was ashamed of them.

The weight of the guilt fell on her as she realized this was not what she was supposed to be thinking about. She should be feeling guilty about what she did to Holtz. And she was.

She truly hadn’t thought Holtz cared that much. And even if she did she would never have thought the woman would fall apart like that.

_Did Holtz really miss me that much? Why did she react like that? Why did she move too my place? Why did she take over my desk? Why did she avoid sleep? Why did the nightmares start?_

_Why?_  
  
She wanted to shout the question at the top of her lungs to the streets, to the roofs and houses and the people and the lamps lighting the streets, the cars rushing by and the feral cats, she wanted to shout it loud enough for everyone to hear so that maybe someone would give her the answer.

She knew way too much and far too little at the very same time and it was driving her crazy.

She wanted to cry but she wouldn’t cry, not again. Her eyes were wet but she wiped them clean. She would be strong. She would be strong, if not physically then emotionally, she would be for Holtzmann.

Emotional stability had never been Erin’s good side but she would have to try and do her very best this time.

She would honestly walk through flames and deserts for Holtzmann. When it came to the woman she loved so very much it hurt there were no oceans too long or mountains too tall.

She’d never understood the concept of taking a bullet for someone as she did now. Sure, in her younger years a bullet would be quite welcome, it was the days dying sounded sweeter than living ever could but now that she truly found pleasure in being alive, now that life was worth living and she didn’t want to die she would’ve taken a bullet for Jillian. Life didn’t seem to have colour without the engineer in it. Though perhaps that would, instead of selfless be selfish, one of them would have to live on without the other and Holtzmann didn’t seem very keen to the idea either.

Erin shook her head. Her mind was wondering off again. She had to talk to Holtz. Not just once but again and again and some of those conversations she didn’t look forward to.

She didn’t want to force Holtz to open up or talk. Truly, she didn’t.

There was a knock on the glass door and Holtzmann stepped through the opening. Erin looked up at her and smiled her sad smile, a rather beautiful motion Holtzmann had found herself grown used to, which, to her was quite an unpleasant though. Erin looked beautiful sad. However, Erin looked beautiful from every angle Jillian would study her from, every emotion reflecting in her features, even if horrible in its nature would look magnificent.

But Erin was the very last person that deserved to be in pain to Holtz and it broke her heart to know how much pain she truly had had to endure in her years and the knowledge there was more pain to come introduced itself to her as a pang of guilt to her chest as she knew she couldn’t protect Erin from all of it and has probably caused some of it.

She looked at the woman, wrapped up in the blanket with her fingers laced around the half-full mug of completely cold tea and she knew exactly why she loved her. She couldn’t put it into words but the feeling had reason in her mind, reason she understood but could not explain.

She wished she could tell her. Wished she could kiss her senseless and simply peck her on the lips. She wanted to hear Erin whisper into her ear and feel her warm breath on her neck. She wanted to hold her hand in her streets and call Erin her girlfriend. And she felt guilty for feeling that. Guilty for loving her.

“Hi.”

Erin’s voice was soft like sweet music.

“Hi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, Kudos, feedback is what brings happiness into my days, even the shitty ones


	18. A minor problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the one where I actually give Abby and Patty a small part because I feel like I need to bring out their importance more  
> Also, a bit of sexual tension between Erin and Holtz

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, writing's been tough with all that's been going on but I'm trying my best, promise

There were some moments where words were not needed. This was not one of them.

Well, that was not entirely true, words were not absolutely necessary in the moment yet somewhere under the fall of the night, a night masked by the streetlights, there were two women who wish they had the right words, wished they had the guts to speak them.

One of them eventually had to say something. They were both well aware of that. But there was a certain beauty to this moment of silence. Like the calm before a storm. The air between them was full of words unspoken but neither dared utter a single phrase, not even the simplest ones that, oddly enough are often enough the hardest to deliver.

_I love you._

How unfortunate the sweet irony could be.

* * *

 

Patty put down her cup of coffee. Nights like this one had become the standard for her and Abby, overworking late into the night, making up for the lack of two team members, the mayor making sure to pressure them on a daily basis.

She lifted her face from her book.

“Erin’s got a thing for Holtzy.”  
  
Abby sighed in frustration.

“Holtz is straight up in love with Erin.”  
  
“They’re…” Abby started.

They shared a look and said it in perfect unison.  
“Idiots.”  
Patty laughed loudly and Abby joined her. The situation was almost ridiculous in a sad way.   
“She made me swear an oath to not tell anyone though.”  
“Yeah, same with Holtz.”  
Abby shook her head.  
“I guess they gotta figure this one out on their own.”   
Patty nodded and buried her head back in the book.

* * *

 

A silent agreement had taken its place between the two women.

_Enough talking for today._

Not simply talking of course, there had simply been enough words forced through tears, enough on the tough topics.

* * *

 

“Hey uh… Holtz. Minor problem.” Erin giggled nervously. She could take a few steps on her own without collapsing. She could stand for short time periods.   
But apparently, showering was too much. Starting from the fact that she was too weak to take her own clothes off or even stand up for enough time to that.

The slight rush of adrenaline she’d gotten from her fear for Holtzmann had long since worn off and she was leaning against the bathroom wall.

“What’s up?” Holtzmann asked casually, masking the fear in her voice.

“Nothing serious. Just can’t really… Um…”   
“Can’t what?”   
“I want to take a shower, to wash off the hospital smell and all but uh…” She had to force the next words out of her throat, they felt strangling. “I’m too weak.”

“Oh… Can I come in?”   
Erin unlocked the door and slid on the floor to rest her legs, tired from standing for such a short time.  
Holtz stood in the doorway for a while. Erin was quite the mess, a beautiful one at that.   
“Could you use some help?”  
The answer to that question was quite obvious yet Holtz wanted to be fully on the same page when it came to consent of any kind and Erin had never been good at admitting she needed help.   
“I… guess.”  
  
Jillian nodded.

“Do you have anything that resembles a chair that handles water around here?”  
“Uh… Yeah, I think, I should have this plastic chair in the kitchen, I guess.”  
  
Holtz fetches the chair from the kitchen, knowing all too well where and how everything is placed in Erin’s apartment.

She sets the chair down in the middle of the shower stall and helps Erin lift herself up from the floor, providing just enough support to keep her standing.

She glances at Erin, fully clothed, leaning on her shoulder.

_This is not going to be easy._

Erin sighed.   
“Never really thought I’d have to say something like this but… I’m gonna need you to help me take my clothes off.” She rolled her eyes back and sighed again, following that with a chuckle.   
“I’d usually expect you to buy me dinner first but…” She attempted to joke, earning the smallest huff of laughter from the blonde.

Jillian swallowed.   
“Okay…”   
She was very respectful, making sure to not touch Erin’s skin any more than necessary, averting her eyes to ensure she wouldn’t stare.   
  
Erin’s shirt came off easily, it simply had to be unbuttoned and pulled off.   
  
Holtzmann was as careful as humanly possible with each of her movements anywhere near Erin.   
“I can uh…” Erin attempted to stand up for herself and unbutton her jeans, almost falling against the cold all, had Holtzmann not stopped her.   
“Easy there, tiger. Just lean on me, I got you.”   
Erin nodded gratefully. She felt helpless and embarrassed and she didn’t want Holtzmann to see her like this but if she had to share this moment with someone, she was glad it was Holtz.   
  
Managing to somehow pull her jeans down, now stripped to nothing but her underwear, she stepped into the shower, sitting down carefully, with the support of Holtzmann.   
“Don’t peek.” Jillian nodded and turned her back as Erin unclasped her bra, too tired to even bother with anything else.

“Do you need anything else?”  
“No...” She sighed. “Actually, I think I do. I can’t keep my hands up for a long time. I hate to ask this, Holtz, but uh…”  
“You want me to wash your hair?”  
“Yeah…”  
“Alright.”  
“The shampoo’s in the-“  
“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, as always, comments and kudos, they make me so happy


	19. Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so my updates have been a bit less frequent lately, I apologize for that, also sorry if this chapter isn't the best, I've gotten 3-4h sleep for 5 days (Jolly) but I do have the next chapter almost finished and while I'm starting to wrap things up with this one a bit (there's still more to come but I'm thinking it won't be over 25 chapters haha) I have decided on what I'm writing next and honestly, it'll be even angstier than this, sorry

“Honestly, I am starving for anything that isn’t hospital food.” Jillian laughed.   
“I could pick up a few things at the store, I’m quite the cook if I want to be, actually…” Holtzmann stood up.  
“Really? I’d lo- I mean, that’d be really great.” Holtz saluted and headed for the door.

She glanced back at Erin, sitting on the couch, alone. If she leaves she’ll be all alone. She can’t protect her like that.

_Suck it up, Holtz, just suck it up. You can do it, you gotta._

She opened the door. It had barely closed behind her when she felt out of breath, panic taking it’s place in the focus of her mind.

_Nope._

“Or we could just, ya know, order some pizza or Chinese or anything you’d like right here.” And I don’t have to risk leaving you alone.

Erin, though a bit puzzled, nodded. 

* * *

 

_“It’s okay Erin, I can take the couch, my back can handle it.” She had laughed._

However, it was most certainly not okay and Erin could hear it fairly well.

_She can see her clearly, however she herself seems to be invisible to the brunette, standing still, dressed in pastel, slowly turning to glass, first her eyes, losing all sense of life, their spark and glimmer, the last whisper of living leaves them slowly and leaves nothing but glass, slowly spreading._

_Holtzmann is stuck as she stands, unable to move or speak, forced to watch the woman she loves turn stiff and almost transparent._

_It spreads until there is no Erin left, only a still statue, fragile as it stands in front of her, the rays of sunshine shining through it, slowly breaking it apart._   
_At first it’s just small cracks, then bits start falling, sharp shards of glass hitting the cold white floor, at first making no sound, each getting louder until the noise is painful to hear, piercing Jillian’s ears._

_The wind blows the sharp pieces towards her, first a gentle breeze, quickly becoming stronger, the shards are piercing her skin now, leaving bleeding bruises in any direction they pass and it hurts. It hurts so very bad but Jillian couldn’t care less about the glass, she wants to, needs to put Erin back together, have her back, even for a short fleeing moment._

_She falls to her knees, bruised and bleeding, crying and screaming._   
_Screaming to the wind, the only word willing to leave her lips the name of the woman she lost and yet still loves._

_“Holtzmann.” It’s her voice, with no body. It hurts to hear._  
“Holtz. Jillian! Wake up, please, shit, please wake up.

She is shaking the woman as hard as her weak hands are allowing her to, which would be rather gentle tugging than shaking, actually.

However, it is effective. Holtzmann wakes, fearful eyes filled with tears, pain reflecting back in them.   
  
“It’s okay, I’m right here.”

“Erin.” It was more of a heavy breath than a word.   
  
The mentioned woman was breaking inside at the sight of Holtzmann, crying, breathing uneven, heavy.   
  
“Erin. Please don’t. Don’t leave. Please. I love you, please don’t leave again, please…”   
  
Erin punched herself mentally for focusing on the specific three out of them all at first. But of course Holtz loved her, as a friend and nothing more probably… Right?  
She took her hand and squeezed tightly. “I’m right here, Jillian, and I promise, I’m not going anywhere.” She half-whispered.

_I love you, too._

“But you’re not staying on the couch, no matter how good your back is.”   
“Wha- what do you mean by that?”  
“Bed.” She yawned and even though still shaky and teary-eyed, Holtzmann took the time to appreciate the adorableness of the movement.   
“I’m taking you to bed.” She slapped her sleep-deprived self across the forehead.   
“I mean… it has room for two. And… ya know.” She didn’t even have to say it, it was quite obvious that Holtzmann was not dealing well with the nightmares.

So, Holtzmann complied, walking to the bedroom, Erin leaning on her shoulder, trying to ignore how good and _right_ the warmth of Erin felt, how the sight of the woman in only a vastly oversized t-shirt was driving her nuts in the best and worst way.

She tried to ignore how much she loved her. And oh how bad she was failing at that.

She fell asleep next to Erin. There were no more nightmares that night, at least not ones that belonged to Holtzmann.

* * *

 

It took Holtzmann four days to be able to leave the apartment at all. Starting from there, small trips to the grocery store were almost fine with her.

And she loved cooking for Erin.

* * *

 

“This is amazing, Holtz… I am honestly beyond impressed, you should be on like, _Masterchef_ , you’d win.”  
Holtzmann giggled. She didn’t care for TV shows but the smile she could bring to Erin’s face with her cooking was way better than winning all of them, every single one, ever could be.

She looked at the woman across the table from her and took a moment to just… appreciate. Ponder on the concept of beauty and being damn sure the very definition of beautiful was sitting across from her, eyes closed, enjoying her meal.

“Have I told you yet how damn glad I am that you’re still here with us and you woke up and that you um… exist? In general, this a formal thank you for your existence.”

Erin blushed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading, a comment day keeps the author happy (and writing haha)


	20. Happy together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Happy together"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is a short chapter and it took a small while buy I really tried, guys, I really hope you like it... and as always, feedback, it keeps me going

It had taken Jillian a while to get used to leaving Erin alone for short periods of time but eventually, she had grown accustomed to it.

It wasn’t something she loved doing but she no longer hated and feared it as she used to.

Until the day she stepped inside to find Erin drifting in and out consciousness, a pool of blood forming around her, the woman clearly breathing through pain, struggling to keep it up.

Jillian immediately dropped all her bags, rushing over to Erin, groaning on the floor.

There were shards of glass shattered all across the floor and a major piece that appeared sharp was stabbed into Erin’s guts, her hand wrapped tightly around it, tears pricking at her eyes.

She would be screaming but every sound, every breath, every movement and touch hurt like a violent stab into her guts all over again, one that travelled all through her body and made the scientist forget pain wasn’t felt in different body parts but only the brain, really. It hurt enough to make her forget her own name and breathing, _oh god,_ the breathing, it hurt so bad she wanted to just _stop._

Stop breathing. Stop _everything_.

It was all a blur to Jillian and all too clear for Erin before everything went black behind her eyes and the world was only muffled sounds and pain, getting the bleeding woman to the car, driving it to the hospital without crashing it, carrying Erin through the doors, the hospital personnel taking the bleeding, now unconscious woman from her.

“Please-“  
Her breath was ragged and she was throwing her whole body in the general direction, held back by a nurse, she was sobbing violently.   
“Please, she’s… She’s the love of my life, I can’t lose her.” Her tone was begging.  
“Miss, we are doing all we can.”  
Eventually her body gave up and she collapsed into a chair, muttering under her breath, voice in shock and awe and fear, whispering.   
  
“She’s the love of my life.”

A woman, probably in her forties or fifties, a little chubby with dark curly hair looked at her in disgust.  
“You know that’s sick, right? There could be children here to hear you, perverts.”  
Holtz raised her head to look at her, eyes stone cold, mouth a straight line.   
She swallowed her sobs.   
She was shaking, her voice cold as ice and monotone, steady.

“The woman that I love is in surgery.” She clenched her teeth. Her volume was slowly but steadily rising from the whisper to something louder, more powerful.  
“Do you really think I give a shit about your fucking opinion and homophobia right now?”  
The woman looked offended as she sent another look of pure, unmasked disgust.  
“I hope she doesn’t make it. The world would be better off with less perverts like you.”  
  
That was it. That was the last drop.   
Holtzmann got up and punched her, full force across the face.   
When she pulled her hand back it was bloody and she knew it would hurt when the adrenaline wore off. It was shaking along with the rest of her.

Of course, she called for help on the top of her lungs as Holtzmann rose her fist for another punch, pulled back by the security. She was fuming.   
  
“Happy together” was playing from somewhere as Holtzmann was dragged away against her will, reaching out for Erin, begging but eventually simply giving up, her body went limp. It wasn’t a decision rather just her body giving up, too tired to fight, too tired to try.

Her cries and screams turned into sobbed whispers, silent pleas. Her kicking limbs went limp and she let herself get dragged away.

The music was the last thing she remembered along with the lights flickering. It was ironically happy and at first Holtz tried to scream over it, eventually just giving up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops, I wrote angst again


	21. I wanna be yours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so my eyes are burning and I'm super sleep deprived again but I hope this chapter is good, I really hope it is, just a few more to go

It had taken Abby and Patty a lot of convincing for Holtzmann to be let back into the hospital but at least she was there.  
  
She was there when Erin woke up and muttered softly something about Holtzmann and angels before grunting in pain.

She was there to explain how she’d found her and reassure Erin who wouldn’t stop apologizing that it was okay.

She was there when Erin was feeling a bit better and invited Holtzmann to fight her from behind a fortress of pillows.

She was there to secretly eat the Jell-O Erin disgusted and sneak in small treats Erin had an odd love for.

She was there when Erin was feeling down and tried her best to make her laugh, regretting it every time Erin laughed so hard it caused her pain and Erin made sure to tell her every time that it was okay and so worth it.

She was there to hold Erin’s hand and for the times Erin held hers. It was an unspoken agreement to be strong for each other as they couldn’t be for themselves.

She was there the two nights Erin had to stay, talking way into the night, the insomniacs united, far away from the rest of the world, even in the city that never slept it felt as if they were the only two people awake.

She was there when Erin finally asked her about the notes.

A deep breath followed the moment. She had to answer the question. Yes, she knew exactly what Erin meant by her “um… uh… notes.”   
Yes, she had read them, some of them anyways and she wanted to apologize. So instead of answering yes or no she did.

“I’m sorry.”

She said that. Of all the possible word combinations in the world she chose to apologize because she felt like she needed to. And maybe she did. But Erin said it was okay before taking a long breath, preparing for a rehearsed and planned out explanation that had somehow slipped from her mind in the past few moments. She was looking for the right words. All she found were the following:

“I’m sorry.”

Holtzmann tilted her head to the side ever so slightly.  
  
“Why would you say that?”  
“Because it was stupid. All of it. And irrational. And… And if I’d died then I wouldn’t’ve met you. And I can’t stand thinking that. And I can’t stand the thought of hurting you. I’m sorry. You can say it’s okay but I’ll still be sorry. I never wanted to hurt you.”

“I…”

“I… I think I love you… Jillian.”

The words just slipped over her lips and tongue and terrified her when they had left.

“Pause.”  
“What?”  
“I can’t talk about that topic right now so I’m hitting pause.”  
“Oh… Okay.”  
She glanced to the floor, then back up again.   
“Which… Which one?”  
“The second one.”

Jillian nodded.

“You don’t have to tell me about the notes either. I’m sorry I read them. I just needed to feel you weren’t completely gone… Sometimes I listen to you breathing in your sleep for the same reason. I need to know you haven’t left me.”  
Erin swallowed.  
“I’m sorry you had to read them… I’m… not exactly proud of them. Actually, I’m pretty ashamed of them. I mean, they were stupid, it was stupid, I was so stupid.”   
Jillian caressed her arm, sending butterflies fluttering through her being.

“Erin. It’s okay. It’s not your fault I read them, it’s mine. I wasn’t supposed to read them. I mean, I wasn’t supposed to be at your place in the first place. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault. You hear me, none. None of it. And yeah, I hate the thought that someone as brilliant and amazing and absolutely breathtakingly wonderful as you has had to feel like that. You deserve all the best in the world and yet you’ve ended up with…” She didn’t know how to end her sentence. Erin did, however.  
“You. You. You and Abby and Patty and everything. And I don’t know if that’s the world’s best things to other people but it is to me. I’m just… so sorry. Because I never meant to hurt you. Any of you. But… everything I touch, everyone I love I end up breaking and hurting and I hate that.”  
“Erin. Look at me. Listen the fuck up. I am the fuck up, please listen to me.”  
Erin giggled.  
“You didn’t break me. But when I do break you’re the one that puts me back together.”

They sat like that, in the dark, holding hands, déjà vu taking its spot in their minds, setting in. They might’ve sat for minutes or hours and it didn’t matter.

“Holtzmann, you are so…”  
“Handsome, funny, what?”  
“Loved.”

Jillian’s eyes didn’t leave the window and her hand didn’t leave Erin’s, not even for a moment.

“So are you.”   
  
“Unpause.”  
Erin whispered, barely audible, but the clearly very sleep deprived woman next to her had already fallen asleep and all Erin could do was hope her sleep was undisturbed by nightmares.

  
\-------------------------------------------------

When Erin was finally released again, Holtzmann refused to leave the house. Erin decided to accept it for a few days, too tired to deal with the problem at the time but setting a future goal to get Holtz outside.   
  
Not because she wanted to get away from her, simply because she saw how unhealthy the situation could turn out to be for Holtz.

Jillian had yet to tell her about the incident at the hospital. It would’ve been hard to explain without confessing her feelings, something Holtz had never truly been good at however with each passing day she was considering the leap into the potential infinity more and more and each day it seemed more appealing to simply tell Erin.

Erin told her about the dizziness and struggles with balance she had been doing her best to hide before the incident. Holtzmann laid pillows and blankets all over the floor and rushed to support the physicist whenever necessary.

Abby brought them homemade meals occasionally after Erin told her about Jillian’s decision to never leave Erin’s side again.

Eventually, Erin decided, if she couldn’t get Holtzmann our of the house and to the grocery store without her, she’d simply go with her.

At first, Holtz protested the idea. But after long convincing and getting to know the stubborn side to Erin, she finally agreed.

Erin refused to use the wheelchair. Anything else but that. It made her feel so damn helpless. Same applied for her current situation.

Erin dropped her hands in yet another failed attempt to hold them up long enough to brush her hair. She glared at her reflection in the mirror. She disgusted the image. Disgusted how helpless she was. How useless. She felt like a child, unable to care for herself, she felt vulnerable and helpless. She felt guilty for burdening everyone, most of all Holtz.

“I hate you.” She snarled at her own self, mirrored back to her.  
“I hate you!” It was different from the first time she said it, not a disgusted whisper but an aggressive shout at her own self.

Her hand collided with the mirror, leaving the reflective glass in pieces on the floor and Erin’s hand shaking and bloody, shards of glass in it. She didn’t care. The tears were leaving her eyes but she didn’t care. Didn’t care for the pain.   
  
But when Holtzmann rushed into the room, concerned and quite a bit panicked she did care. And she felt guilty. And she was still crying as she whispered to the blonde:   
“I’m weak. I’m so fucking weak. I hate it.”

A pause.

“Erin, you are the strongest person I have ever known.” She attempted to calm the woman by caressing her bare shoulder, the loose T-shirt slowly slipping off of it.

It works. Erin’s breathing evens. She winces in pain as the adrenaline wears off.

Holtzmann gets the first aid kit, cleaning Erin’s wrist in silence, wrapping it in bandages as gently as possible, handling it with as much care as she would were it a nuclear device, likely to blow the place and potentially the entire city up.

Neither said a word. Erin let Holtzmann care for her hand. She let her caress her cheek. God, she wanted to kiss her so bad right now.

And then… she was. Her lips were pressed to Holtzmann’s and all she could think was _I should punch mirrors more often._

It was over as quickly as it started.

“Unpause.”  
“Okay. Don’t be mad but I’m… I’m in love with you and the mere thought of losing you kills me inside and oh god, I can’t handle that thought.”  
  
And that’s when the dots connected perfectly and it made sense.

_That’s why Holtzmann fell apart._

And

_I want her to kiss me again._

Jillian’s thought were only slightly different.

_I **need** to kiss her again._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting sentimental because this story is almost over... Few more chapters to go but I really want to thank anyone who's read it and left Kudos and Comments, you're all so wonderful, really  
> Oh and yes, I did sneak an NCIS reference in there, tell me if you found it


	22. Barriers are broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one with a whole bunch of honesty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I have tortured you enough with this, though this has it's angst bits, this fic is heading gay for it's happy ending haha  
> Fluffy bits and truth bombs in this one  
> Basically, I'm writing a tiny bit of cute stuff because otherwise I'l feel real bad for writing my next multichapter fic which will... be hasrd to write haha, piles of angst...  
> Damn, I'm rambling, sorry

Once they’d kissed it was near impossible to stop.  
They didn’t want to.   
Didn’t have to.

Erin’s hand was laced through Holtz’s hair which was up in her usual do only half the time these days and currently the blonde curls were resting on her shoulders, Erin’s hand running through them, making contact with the skin of the back of her neck and pulling the engineer closer to her, as close as she could.

There were bubbly giggles and irresistible smiling against the other’s lips.

Holtz’s hand was on Erin cheek as she pulled away ever so slightly, so she was gazing into the physicist’s eyes and wondering how they could hold the universe so very easily.

Her breath was warm on Erin’s lips as she gently ran her tongue over them, casually, out of habit without thinking about it.

Holtzmann stared at her lips in genuine awe.

“Erin-”  
“Shh…” She brushed her index finger gently over Jillian’s lips in a hushing motion, “Can we just… pretend, just for tonight that it’s not there? No coma or problems, no coworkers dilemma or car crash, no angry ghosts that need to be busted…” She chuckled. “Just… us.”   
Jillian raised an eyebrow but nodded.  
“Of course.”  
  
Erin smiled and look down. She wrapper Holtz’s hand in her own.

“Come.”

She led them to the balcony, sitting down, cuddling into Holtz’s gentle embrace and she looked up at the night sky.

“It’s just that I’ve been thinking… This whole… coma thing, it’s just setting in. Ya know, I had a chat with Abby the other day. She said you thought, all of you thought I could die. Because I could’ve. It took as little as a single car crash to bring me to the edge of my mortality and… This was kind of the last drop. I realized I don’t want to waste away the time we could have just because I’m scared.”

Holtzmann was at a literal loss of words. The past few months had been an emotional roller coaster with more unexpected twists than the engineer fancied but this was a rather welcome one.   
Actually, it might’ve been one of the best ones in her lifetime.

She is saved from having to say something by rain, starting silently, quickly developing into a heavy rainfall, covering her shoulders and drenching her hair.

However they do not move from the balcony. They stay, cuddled together, staring into the night through the rain drops in silence for a while, letting it fall on them, soak their clothes and hair.

"I always loved it... the rain, I mean. It’s basically the sky, or rather the clouds falling apart and shattering all over the place... It just feels good to know I am never the only one falling apart... That I’m not alone. But then I think of you and I wish I was.”   
She pauses the look at Holtzmann, studying her, her eyes squinting ever so slightly.  
“I would hold all of the pain in the world to spare you."

“I’d rather die than put you through that pain. _Any_ pain.”

Erin laughed.

“Ironic. You’d die to keep me from pain and yet… That’s what’d hurt me the most. The world could burn to ashes and it’d still hurt less. And it’s so ironic, that I’d die for you and yet you… fell apart, even though I was just in a coma.”

Jillian nods.

“Indeed.”

“So, what exactly _did_ happen?”  
“I thought we weren’t talking about that tonight.”  
“So did I… Though as… lovely just cuddling and… kissing and… all that sounds… I think I need to know.”  
  
“Alright… Well, it all started when Abby told me you were at the hospital. I refused to leave the hospital. I refused to sleep until I collapsed to the floor. And then… Well, then I woke up at my apartment and punched a bunch of stuff and then I came here. That’s when the nightmares started… They’re less common now but… still all too there. Sometimes I avoid sleeping on purpose. No, I don’t avoid sleeping, I avoid dreaming.   
They’re different each time but the theme is always the same. You’re dead or… or dying and I’m unable to get to you or unable to save you and I always end up losing you. And it… It just destroys me inside.  
Even then, the nightmares were precious to me. Though they were painful they were thw only place I’d hear your voice.  
When you were gone, time, the world, they seemed to stop around me. Yes, they moved on and so did I, with them, but it didn’t feel like movement. It felt like holding my breath with time and space standing still by my side, waiting for you to come back.  
And I’m so scared. That one day I’ll wake up and this has all been some cruel dream, I’m scared I’ll wake without you by my side and it is the most scared I’ve been in my entire life.   
But when I look at you, when I hear your heart beating and I hear your voice I feel safe again.   
And when you kissed me it felt like everything in the world was okay again.

She paused to lick her lips.

“Anyways, I got into the sleeping pills again. And some nights, alcohol.   
Which led to me waking up at the hospital eventually. I said I didn’t try to kill myself and I didn’t. Had I tried to do that, I wouldn’t’ve called Abby.   
And finally, the notes which I apologize for reading… They were just the closest thing I got to hearing you speak… I shouldn’t’ve read them. But I did… Well, not all of them but yeah…  
I guess that’s about it.   
Oh and I might or might not have punched a woman at the hospital after you kinda accidentally stabbed yourself with some glass.”  
  
“What?”

“Well, I was kind of yelling things like ‘love of my life’ and ‘please don’t make me lose her again’ and such so this wonderful lady takes it upon herself to comment on how all them freaks are going to hell and should die. Ez, she said she wanted you to die. Of course I punched her and I’d do it again.”  
“Oh, right… you know about… that now.”  
“About what?”  
“Ya know the… bisexuality and all.”  
“Oh… yeah, I guess I do.”  
“I never really told anyone after my parents… Abby was the only other person who knew. I just kind of hid it for…most of my life. When my parents found out I was basically textbook disowned, what with a little more violence. I don’t blame my mother. She was as scared of papa dearest as I was. And eventually, she left him, took me back in which was… Amazing of her. We talked about it once and she told me she loved me either way. No further discussion ensued.  
My father was… quite different. For all I know, he could be dead these days. Would serve him right. He… well, getting beat up by him was nothing new to me. Getting beat up in general… I was used to it. But that night was worse than usual. I’m surprised none of my bones were broken. And all those years later, I still remember that night so clearly.”  
  
It was as if the wall between them had fallen and the pure honestly felt refreshing. Easy. Natural.

“Erin, I’m so…”

The physicist smiled.

“It’s fine. Really, it is. I don’t care about the past anymore. I have you now.”   
She caressed Jillian’s cheek.  
“You and Abby and Patty and heck, even Kevin and a life I love.”  
She whispered, almost purring:  
“I have you.”

Their lips were united again and _god, it felt so good._

“I should’ve told you sooner.”  
Holtzmann laughed.  
“Same.”

“Crap… Holtz. We have work tomorrow.”  
  
The mayor had been on their backs practically ever since Erin woke up. And tomorrow they were supposed to get back. Of course, Erin had been strictly assigned desk duty and paperwork only but she didn’t mind much.  
She loved her job.   
And god, she wanted to feel productive again. She didn’t have enough strength to hold her hands over her head for an extended period of time but typing on a keyboard with breaks was quite easy at this point.  
However, it’s really easy to get distracted when there is a pretty blonde you’ve been in love with for a while kissing you after you punched a mirror.   
  
“We should get to bed.”  
“Moving fast, huh, doctor Gilbert?”  
She waggled her eyebrows and whispered into said doctor’s ear.  
“I like it.”  
Erin shivered.  
“Not like that. Get to sleep. Because work. Waking up early.”  
Holtzmann let out a short whine.  
“Alriiiiigh…”  
  
They practically collapsed on the bed together. Life these days, was exhausting.

 

* * *

 

The alarm clock rang and Erin remembered why she hated that thing.

Holtzmann was draped over her, hand wrapped around Erin’s body and not a single cell in her body wished to leave this situation.

Unfortunately for Erin, the alarm woke Holtz too, who yawned and Erin had to resist the urge to squeal and yell about how cute the motion was.

“Good morning.” Her voice was soft.

Holtzmann slammed her face into the pillow.

Erin giggled. She pulled the covers over the heads so the sunlight was shining through them and they were facing each other.

“The world can go screw itself, I wanna stay here with you.”  
“That is the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me.”  
They both laughed.

“I think I love you…”  
Jillian smiled.  
“After excessive research and gathering of scientific data I have concluded that, Dr. Gilbert, I quite likely love you, too.”  
“You’re such a nerd.”  
“Says the nerd.  
“Touché.”

* * *

  
Abby and Patty were quite surprised yet delighted to find the women, who, indeed, were late, walk in through the HQ doors, smiling and laughing, Holtz’s hand never leaving Erin’s back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As it's been for the first 21 chapters of this fic, Kudos and Comments still do feed my soul and still make me a real happy gay potato sack


	23. Loving her was like...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, guys, I am so so so sorry for taking so long to update, I've just been so busy and simply... Exhausted, physically and emotionally, time and motivation are super hard to find, again, I am so sorry  
> Just the Epilogue to go from here, I will be starting two new multi chapter fics from there, something fluffy and something very angsty, also, to the ones who made requests on Tumblr, getting to them ASAP, I promise I'm doing my best, sometimes I just have to take little breaks to fight off certain mental demons of mine  
> Also, if you've made it this far, thank you so much for sticking around through all these words and all these chapters and all the repetitive notes and emotions, and a big thank you to everyone who has left comments and kudos because they truly are so appreciated, okay, I'm getting super sappy, here's the chapter, I really hope you enjoy

Healing takes time, from anything and everything.

Some things never fully heal.

And some things end up getting better.

It took two months for Erin to convince the crew to let her join in on a bust. Holtzmann basically hovered over her the entire time but Erin didn’t mind.   
It felt good, getting back out there.

Getting most of her old self back.

Bones heal and so did Erin’s. So did everything, eventually, on a physical level.

She never fully got her memory back.

She remembered everything from before the accident as she used to however her ability to remember new names, new addresses, her ability to remember what day of the month it was, appointments, birthdays, the time… It wasn’t completely lost, not completely, simply most of it.

Months after adopting a cat with Holtzmann Erin would sometimes turn to the feline and ask what its name was to which Holtz responded by casually walking by and interrupting Erin’s conversation with the cat by whispering  
“It’s Schrödinger.”

Never before had she been more grateful for her phone which gave her the date and time.

When Erin realized she couldn’t remember birthdays anymore Holtzmann memorized them for her, reminding her weeks in advance.

The apartment they’d decided to share was covered in sticky notes as reminders for Erin and photos of them together or simply Erin which Jillian insisted on taking because “I like taking pictures of artwork.” and “We just look so cute together!”  
Soon enough plenty of pictures of Schrödinger, a big gray cat with a white throat and a bipolar attitude were added to the collection and without noticing it Erin had picked up the habit of grabbing for the camera every time the cat or Holtzmann did something either incredibly cute or incredibly stupid (usually both at the same time).  
Later on when Nacho came along they decided to dedicate an entire wall to cat pictures.

  
And even though she was struggling with her memory Erin was the happiest she’d ever been, next to Holtz and it didn’t matter if the engineer was standing literally next to her or not, Erin genuinely felt loved.   
Perhaps it was also the first time she felt truly in love with the person she was with.   
Jillian could be drooling in her sleep and to Erin she would still be the most gorgeous creature on the whole planet.  
  
At this point nothing felt impossible.

 

* * *

 

“Do you remember it? Any of it, the crash?”  
“Crystal clear.”

She paused.

“I thought of two things. Specifically these two things. First, I thought if the car crashed I would get blood all over the seats. Second, I thought you probably would find some way to get blood off of car seats.”

She gnawed on her lip for a short while before she continued.

“It’s odd because I always thought that with near-death experiences it’d be the cliché life flashing by before my eyes thing or at least something meaningful but no. That was it, bloody car seats and you finding a way to get the blood off.”

She took a sip of tea from the mug she had been holding mostly as a hand warmer.

Holtzmann nodded.

“Had a similar thing… It was a while ago but it’s one of those things you just don’t forget, even if you try. It was… at my old job, before the Ghostbusters, even before Abby. I was younger, a lot younger and reckless. Careless with lab equipment. Almost died that day, still got a few scars but all I remember thinking was my coffee would get cold if I died and didn’t drink it.”  
  
She chuckled softly to herself and a small smile raised the corners of Erin’s lips as she looked at Jillian, thinking how glad she was the woman was alive.

“It’s odd though. I have a great memory, I’m practically an elephant when it comes to memory. But the day of your crash… just blank. There’s nothing. Nada. Abby told me how it went but it felt like hearing about someone else. Maybe I just don’t want to remember… But then I wouldn’t remember any of those months and I remember them in full detail. I remember the exact emotions. It was either feeling far too much or nothing at all and I’m not sure which was worse. I remember that before Abby told me you were getting better I was happy exactly one time and that was when you… smiled I guess, involuntary movement. The rest is just… all pain. I tried to numb it with everything, sleeping pills, alcohol, I trashed my apartment, I’m surprised I didn’t actually hurt myself physically… directly, I mean. I guess deep down I knew you wouldn’t want that.”

Erin wrapped her hands around Holtz who looks away from the distance, at Erin and smiled.

She was here. And she was okay.

Her embrace felt warm and safe.

She felt like home.

Erin _was_ her home.

And she was Erin's.

Loving her was like the very first rain after years of drought.

Loving her was like a spark, bright and tough.   
A spark that grew into a flame, that turned into fire, burning ever so brightly and fiercely, refusing to fade.

And the flame of love contradicts the laws of physics, burning only more brightly with less ventilation.

We seem to think love has a certain beginning and a certain end but madness, which is essentially what love is, a form of emotional madness, an ocean consisting entirely of feelings, it does not have a certain beginning and an end.

She was far from perfect and yet there was no need for perfection.

She was broken, the light and darkness clashing under her skin, forming a storm, a sadness running through her veins and there were days when she thought herself unworthy and yet she was still beautiful, just like that, as herself. Imperfect. Imperfection made her beautiful.

She used to think herself too complicated for anyone to love when Jillian came along and proved her wrong.  
Erin didn’t usually enjoy being wrong however this time she was glad to not be right.

Loving her was seeing her everywhere she looked, the colour of her hair in the autumn leaves, falling off the trees and they had fallen for each other, and like the ground caught the leaves they had caught each other, gently.

And there were the days, the nights, when they, one of them, sometimes both, needed to be alone.   
How great it felt to have finally found someone who understood that need for time alone, who respected it, who loved you just like that.

Being next to her, living, loving, breathing with her was like taking a sip from sunshine, from a glass of the sun, the moon and all the stars along with time itself.

It was falling in love over and over again, the feeling of taking a fresh breath of air after holding it for a bit too long.

Their love wasn’t perfect but it wasn’t supposed to be.   
They weren’t perfect and that’s what made them great.

When she looked at her, perfection seemed overrated since the woman in front of her was clearly so much better than anything perfection could ever offer.

She looked at her, having forgotten yesterday, now instead dreaming of tomorrow.

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, again, so sorry for taking so long to update  
> And even on chapter 23, comments are as appreciated and loved as ever 
> 
> Just one more chapter to go!


	24. The epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 1 year later  
> A wedding takes place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I just... oh god. Oh god, damn it.  
> Ya'll, add write a sequel to this to my to-do list cause I can't bare it being over haha, damn it, why must I be so damn sentimental  
> So yeah  
> This is the last chapter  
> Aaaaaaaaaa  
> I really hope you enjoyed this journey  
> Sorry about the 'taking a million years to update' thing towards the end, I have been... so busy.  
> And ya'll who sent the lovely Tumblr requests, I promise I really am trying to get the them ASAP I just truly am super busy and constantly exhausted haha  
> Also, very sleep deprived, I lost hours of sleep to this fic alone haha  
> Ah, dear, I'm- I'm rambling, aren't I?  
> Well, without further ado  
> This is the last chapter:

"Erin Gilbert.  
A year ago I almost lost you. A... a lot of things happened those days. Or months.

And yet, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Yes, there are things I wish could be better for you because that is what you deserve, the best and only the best and I may not have that, I may not have perfection but I am offering you everything I am and everything I’ve got."

"Holtz, you are perfect-" Erin started to whisper. The blonde smiled at that and lifted her gaze up ever so slightly, a bit worried she would go blind from the beauty of her bride, standing in front of her and smiling gently at her, cutting her off softly.

"Let me finish, dear. I may not have everything and anything to make the world a perfect place but to me, you are the world. You are my home, wherever you go, that’s where my home will be and to me, you are perfect. What I’m trying to say is... I’m not very good at speeches."

She laughed and so did everyone at the ceremony, including her bride who had yet to read her speech and Jillian was certain the woman would outperform her, a fact that seemed delightful only in the presence of Erin.

"Though the past has some... rather unremarkable, pretty crappy events, it’s all that that led us here today. So what I mean when I say I wouldn’t have it any other way is that I am grateful to the past for giving us this present... the present of the present. " She said, emphasizing the different pronunciations of the words, pride rising in her eyes for the fact that she had slipped a pun into her wedding speech and Erin resisted to urge to giggle since she knew exactly what that glint in the engineer’s eyes meant.

"Erin, you are the love of my life. And I’ve said that so many times, countless times and I’ll never get tired of saying it. And I’ll never get tired of calling you my wife because it’s the coolest thing, Erin, my wife, the best word combination I’ve heard in a while.

Erin, if a zombie apocalypse happened, you’d be the first on my team. And if you were a zombie I’d let you bite me so we could be two zombettes in love and go around munching on some brains or whatever it is that zombies like to do in their free time." She turned to the crowd and said with a very serious tone:

"Really, I don’t know how zombies prefer to spend their free hours so I’m not making any assumptions."

She looked back at Erin and intertwined their fingers.

"If you were a vampire I’d also let you bite me. Well, I let you do that in human form but just so you know, things wouldn’t change if you were a vampire.

If you were a ghost I’d let you haunt me. And then eventually I’d die and we could be ghosts together. My point is, I don’t care where or in what form or shape we are as long as we’re together. As long as you love me, I’ll be okay. More than okay, I’ll be, here comes the cliché line, the luckiest girl on the planet. No, the entire universe. And yes, that is considering all the aliens." She turned to the small crowd again.  
"The truth is out there."

Erin had a take a break to laugh before she could say anything.

"I can’t believe you made an X-files reference in your wedding speech. But I want to believe."

_Am I dreaming or did she just wink at me?_

Jillian thought.

Erin cleared her throat.

"Jillian Holtzmann.  
Aka, the love of my life. You are... a hurricane. A magnificent one. And thanks to you I understand love now. You waltzed into my life and made me realize what love is and that this, that love, that is what I feel for you.

I love you.

I see the stars and the sunshine and the oceans, the raindrops and the constellations, I see everything in your eyes. You are what I see as my future. You and the cats, that is.

You keep me warm, even on the coldest of the days, even when I feel depressed and completely miserable, you’re there and you keep me warm.

And I am not afraid, no, I’m proud to tell the world I love you. I’m in love with you. With every single thing about you, I’m in love with your brilliant mind and the way your lips taste and the way they feel on mine and…” She giggled briefly “And the way you drool in your sleep, I’m in love with that, too.

It is… perhaps a bit ridiculous that it took a coma to make me confess those feelings to you but perhaps it simply was the universe knocking some sense into me, perhaps it was sick of me standing there, oblivious to my soulmate standing right in front of me. Well, not quite oblivious but… scared. I’m not scared anymore. I don’t see how I could ever be scared with you by my side.”

She laughed to herself for a moment. Covering her mouth, she mumbled to the people in the room:

“I’m sorry, she’s just so beautiful and we’re getting married and I keep wanting to yell I love you on the top if my lungs.”

She took a moment to compose herself as the small audience and Holtz laughed softly.

“Just marry me, you dork.”

And she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God. Dear dear gay god and sweet lesbian jesus. Ya'll thanks so much for reading  
> For sticking with me  
> For the comments  
> For the kudos  
> For keeping me writing  
> For being so kind  
> For actually taking time to read this, you all have been amazing  
> I should be writing a few Tumblr request one-shots soon enough and I will be starting two new multichapters if you don't know yet so stick around... that is, if you want to haha...  
> Okay then...  
> Wow, hard to stop writing the last author's note  
> Well, the last one on this fic  
> I am too damn sentimental, I better just go haha I really hope you enjoyed this chapter and the story all together and I want to thank everyone that left feedback again and again, seriously, so much love to ya'll  
> Okay, gonna go now


End file.
